Thursday, October 23, 2014

5 AM

5 AM is my new normal. I go to bed between 9 and 10 and am up at 5 every.single.morning. Yep, even weekends.

Why 5 AM?

The husband goes to work anywhere from 6:40-7:00-not at all. His job is on a day by day basis and I never know when/if he'll need to leave.

My work requires many evening activities that make it hard to plan for after school stuff.

5 AM is the time where I know I can work out, watch a TV show, or just be still. Everyone is still sleeping. The world stops for a few hours.


I woke up at 5 today and the plan was to run 4 miles. I just couldn't do it. Not today. Instead I watched an episode of Criminal Minds (a super gross one with bugs- yuck!), drank an extra cup of coffee, and read some blogs.

This has been a yucky week of emotionally charged why-can't-I-stop-crying and feeling so inadequate sort of week. A week where I just want to get together with some friends, watch chick flicks, and just be. I need more 5 AM's in my life.

Skipped my run this morning. I'll run tonight...not because I have to, because I WANT to.
I just didn't WANT to this morning. I'm learning, slowly, to name what it is that I need and make that happen. There is so much power in being honest with yourself and others about what you need. It's odd that naming what we need can feel so selfish and, yet, we insist that those we love speak up about what they are needing.

It's 7 AM are up. They want to eat. Work is waiting for me. Lunches need to be made. Did we do homework last night? Did Bug's clothes get put in the dryer last night?
Life will go-go-go for the next 13 hours.
I will run after work. It's what I want to do. :)


Sunday, October 5, 2014

Trigger Foods

Goal set- Eat healthy food that will help me be a stronger triathlete.

Someone brings you a Cinnabon that they bought

You have to eat it.  Right?

I had to eat it.

Up until that point my eating was in check for the day. After the Cinnabon things got ugly- marshmallows, peanut butter on a spoon, "fruit" snacks. UGH!

Did you know that a classic Cinnabon roll has 880 calories? Nope, I didn't either. I inhaled that thing in probably less than 10 minutes. 880 out of 2000 calories in less than 10 minutes. 

Here's the thing... It's not the 880 calories, it's how I felt after eating it. How I CRAVED more and more processed foods after eating it. I've never considered foods to be "trigger" foods for me, but after really thinking about my eating yesterday I realized that I do, indeed, have some triggers. 

But he bought it How can I turn that away?

Goal set- Eat healthy food that will help me be a stronger triathlete.

I *could* have had a few bites and saved the rest to share with the husband later. But I didn't...

Food isn't "bad", but if it causes me to lose track of my goals, then it is "bad" for me at this time in my life.

How do you pass on "special" foods?


Saturday, October 4, 2014

Recording reboot

It's been a long time since I shared my story with a group of strangers. This week at work I had the opportunity to share a little bit about my transformation and it came as a result of my arm scars. To me they are barely noticeable. I forget about them. 

I shared about my weight loss, my surgery, and that the struggle continues.

After sharing I had several people come up to me privately and share their story. It was an amazing reminder that we all have a story. MANY people struggle with weight control issues. Struggling with food seems to be such a lonely road, but in reality it's one that many of us have travelled. 

My Fitness Pal (MFP) has been an incredible tool in my never-ending plight to control my portions and calories. I need to go back to a recording system, but am dragging my heels to return to MFP. It works great, but I find myself obsessing over the calories to the point that it became unhealthy. I had my goal range and would either (A) eat even though I wasn't hungry or (B) stop eating even through I was truly hungry in order to meet my goal. I'm a goal oriented girl and I usually meet any goal I set. 

I tried just watching my macros. I can't get enough protein without some sort of powder substitute and I really want to eat real food. Not meeting my macro goals every day led to pretty extreme frustration.

Why can't I eat normal and not be morbidly obese? Not saying I'm morbidly obese at this very moment, but if I continue to just eat what/when/how much I want, then I will be back in that spot again.

What is your goal? Deb asked me that question this week (THANK YOU!) and it really helped to put things in to perspective. My goal is to eat in a way to allows me to perform as a stronger athlete and keeps my body functioning in a healthy manner (blood sugars, cholesterol, all that good stuff). 

Tracking keeps me accountable...I need that accountability.

At this point I'm considering:
- Going back to MFP
- Paper recording in a journal with an actual pencil
- Focusing on Macros and trying to figure out how to get more protein
- taking pictures of what I eat (I HATE this idea, but some people love it!)

Do you record your food? 
Have you found a tool that works well for you? 


About Me

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On June 19, 2009 I started my weight loss journey. It has become quite the journey! As of today (2-1-11) I have lost 162 pounds and have gained a whole new life. This blog is a continuation of my journey. I hope to inspire and encourage others through my process.