How are you?

Do you follow Dawn? You should! She's amazing. Her weight loss is amazing, but more than that is her desire to see others be successful. I haven't blogged in a while and she emailed to check on me. My answer is below. She encouraged me to blog it out, but the words fail me when I sit down to blog....

I'm doing horribly. How are you? :) 

Ok, so not horribly, but I am gaining weight at a horrible rate. I am close to 20 pounds over my 1/2 marathon weight and I hate it. As much as I hate it, I can't seem to stop. I KNOW (!!!!!!!) what to do, but just can't seem to bring myself to do it. I guess that that's why I haven't been blogging. No one wants to read all about how poor Kari can't seem to get it together. Ugh! 

My workouts were horrible for weeks. Just this week I was able to get those back into check. I have gone back to lifting 3X a week. I love feeling strong. The other 3 days are some sort of cardio. This week I took an extra rest day (Today) just because it felt good. Working out is easy. I like how I feel when I get all sweaty and my HR monitor tells me that I've done enough. Food is, and probably always will be, the issue. I feel better when I eat better, but when I see those amazing sweets that seem to be everywhere lately I can't seem to remember how much better eating healthy feels. 

How am I? I'm stuck and can't pull it together. I feel alone. I feel like I've failed. I am scared that tomorrow I will wake up and be 356 pounds again. That terrifies me. I know that if I went back to recording that my body would respond quickly and that I could be back to "normal" in 8-10 weeks, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I'm tired or recording. I'm tired of not being able to eat like other people. I'm tired of food always being so hard. 

It felt so good to just get it out there. To tell someone, anyone, that I was not in a good place. I don't know my weight today. I plan on going back to Wednesday Weigh-ins. Wednesday seemed to be the best day in the past. I recorded yesterday on My Fitness Pal. It felt good to record. I passed up cookies (TWICE) yesterday. Today, I feel better. Being honest with someone really did help. 

So, that's where I'm at. I'm struggling, but I can recover. 

~Kari

A blast from the past

When I first started blogging, I blogged over at SparkPeople. I LOVE LOVE LOVE SparkPeople. If it was easier to blog over there I'd still be doing it. Someone asked me today about how I first started losing weight. (My favorite topic BTW!).

I started looking through my initial blogs. I teared up reading about how excited I was that I had bought a size 18 dress. I marvel at my 100 pounds lost pictures. I had no idea how much further I was going to go.

Here's a post that really helps to explain how I got started....

~Kari

Wednesday, October 13, 2010 Last week someone asked me how I ever got "THAT big". Now, there is probably a nicer way to ask that question, but it is a fair question that I am going to attempt to answer. The teacher in me wants to make a T-chart, but I am going to have to settle for a Then: and Now: format. At my heaviest I was (big gulp) 356 pounds. I am now around 218 and steadily moving down to my goal of no longer obese, but rather being overweight at 208. :) Ok, here is how I got to be "THAT big": Then: When I would go grocery shopping I would always buy a candy bar (or 2) in the checkout line to eat before I got home. Now: If I am really that hungry that I can't wait or I am not going home right away I'll pick up a piece of fruit or container of yogurt while shopping. Then: I'd drink 2-3 cans of coke a day and a white chocolate mocha. (That's a pound a week by the way....) Now: I do have a diet pop a day (still working on this one), but have limited all of my drinks to low cal or no cal. I have fallen in love with a Grande Skinny Carmel latte (saving 250 calories a drink!) Then: I payed no attention to portion sizes or nutritional needs. Now: I eat within my healthy range almost every day and try really hard to balance my fiber, protein, carbs, etc. Then: Exercise was a 4 letter word. If I did go to the gym my effort was minimal as I didn't think I could do what everyone else was doing. Now: I exercise 5 or 6 days a week. I have become a RUNNER! Go figure! Then: When I was sad, bored, or happy I'd eat. Now: Food is fuel. I work hard to check my emotions when I am "hungry" and make sure I am eating because I am really hungry. Then: I tried to hide my weight loss struggles or pass them off as a non-issue. Now: I am honest and open about my health. I talk all the time about my success and struggles. I have found that EVERYONE (even the skinny people!) struggles and want to support me in my efforts. Then: Everyone and everything else was more important than my own health and wellness. Now: Because everyone is so important to me I must make the time each day to take care of my body through proper nutrition and exercise. Whew! That's a pretty good summary of how I got to be "THAT big". I am sharing this list to answer that question. It is also to a reminder to myself about the unhealthy habits that caused me to be "THAT big".

Food

Excuse the mess while I process....

Food is everywhere! Did you know that? :) 

During the holidays (which have already started around the office) it seems like I can't avoid uncomfortable food situations. My will power is at just about none. It seems like all I've been writing (thinking, talking, obsessing) about is my desire to regain control over my food. My clothes are really uncomfortable and I refuse (REFUSE! REFUSE! REFUSE!) to buy a larger size. 

I've started recording again....several times...just starting. I don't want to record. I don't want to be stressed out because I am close to being over my calories. I don't want to eat just to eat so that I have enough calories. I want to find this magical place where I eat because I am hungry, crave healthy foods, and stop when I am full. Am I chasing something that doesn't exist? Can it exist for others and not for me? 

I ordered a subscription to Clean Eating magazine. I am intrigued with clean eating. Don't worry! I'm not going to become some crazy foodie who only eats orange on Monday's or drinks shakes while hanging upside down in my bathroom.

It's just food. Why, why, why is it so hard? 

~Kari

Let's Play: Family Circuit

Sissy: I want to go to Gym A.

Bug: I want to go to Gym B.

Sissy: I want to go for a bike ride.

Bug: I want to play Kinect.

Mommy: I just want to work out. 

Solution????? Our very own home circuit! :) 

I wasn't terribly excited about going to the gym tonight. I really, really, really wanted to go for a run, but couldn't convince both kids that riding bikes while I ran was a great idea. I knew that I needed to sweat and breathe heavy for at least 30 minutes- enter family super circuit.

The kids helped me make up the stations based on "moves" they do in PE. Our stations were: hot step (stepping up and down on a stool), jacks and jills (jumping jacks), side to sides (ski moguls), pike-push up- pike (hindu pushups), up the mountain (mountain climbers), and (to make Bug happy) there was even a Kinect Fitness station. Thank you Mr. C for teaching my kids real exercises in PE and not just playing dodge ball all day! 

We made our signs. Sissy placed them all over the living room and dining room. I set my Gymboss for 90 seconds work and 30 seconds rest. For our warm-up I walked them to each station and we practiced our moves. Everyone picked a number to start at and we were off.

Bug started with ski mogules. I wish I had my camera on hand because those were SO cute. Sissy started with Kinect and I started with jumping jacks. Half way through the first exercise everyone was breathing heavy and having fun. The kids really stuck it out! We ended up doing the circuit 2 times for a total of 32 minutes (including warm-up, cool down, and mid circuit water break). Don't think that is was all smiles during our circuit. There were some tears (she's in my spot, he's not doing it right, how many more seconds?), but we got through it. 

Was it the best workout ever? No. Did I sweat? YES! Did I burn some calories? YES (293 to be exact...). Sometimes this fitness journey is more about being creative with how we fit in exercise and preparing ahead of time for healthy eating than it is about always being the best.

~Kari

If the dress fits

A good friend of mine is getting married soon and I get to be her maid matron head chick!!!! She was kind enough to invite her bridesmaids along to pick out the dress. She's cool like that. :)

Trying out clothing for anyone but my mom felt a little weird. She had several styles picked out and we all got to try on the dresses. Here's where all my "issues" come leaping back into the picture. The other ladies there were on the smaller side (in both width and height). It's not their fault. They don't starve themselves to look that way. I doubt that they spend more time than me working out. That's just their body type. My body type is not that way. I think that I could not eat from now until the wedding and still not be a size 2. It's not anyone's "fault". It's just the way I'm made. 

The dress that she picked out is beautiful. I am sure that we will all look stunning on her special day. Not that it really matters cause all eyes will be on her. Did I mention that the dress is short? I often receive compliments on my legs. Some would call them muscular. I call them thick. I am all legs in this dress.....thick, full legs. Feeling uncomfortable does not begin to describe how I felt trying on dresses today. I'm not the girl that gets short, cute, fitted dresses. I am the girl in the long, baggy dress in the back. 

Whenever I think that I am "over" my body image issues they come raging back with even more gusto than before. I long for the day when I can look in the mirror and no longer see the obese teenager that couldn't find a dress that would fit for the prom,  the bride that had to order her wedding dress online because none of the stores carried dresses in her size, or the pregnant mom who couldn't buy maternity clothes cause they were too small. 

The day wasn't a total loss. I, too fat for maternity clothes Kari, walked into a bridal store today, tried on, and bought a size 14 bridesmaid dress. 3 years ago I wouldn't have fit into their largest size (26 if you are wondering....). I am, and will probably always be, a work in progress when it comes to food and how I view my body. I'm getting excited to wear my dress....cute shoes....flat ironed hair...some pretty earrings....standing next to my friend of 20 plus years and watching her marry her Prince Charming. It will be fun and no one will care about my chunky legs. Time to focus on the things that really matter!

~Kari

I shaved my legs today

Life is busy, busy. busy. I did accomplish one major goal- I shaved my legs. :)  EVERY SINGLE TIME I shave my legs I get a little bit giddy. Shaving your legs when you are obese is just plain hard. There are a lot of things that are hard when you are obese. Today I was reminded once again how far I've come.

My workout have been so-so lately. I did get up at 4:50 this AM to go to a Body Pump class at my soon to be former gym. Class was great. I knew it would be. It made me sad cause my new gym offers nothing like Body Pump. I kept reminding myself that I am able to push myself even harder than any Body Pump instructor could and that I can do it on my own time schedule (which does not include 5:30 workouts on a regular basis!).

I haven't posted in forever because there really hasn't been anything to report. Eating is starting to get really hard with the cooler temps and holiday treats that are already starting to surface.

Disney was AMAZING! I did all the things that I wanted to do and didn't know that I wanted to do. :) At Legoland there were some rides that had weight limits. I was well below any of the limits. THAT made me feel like a rock star. I leave you with a few pics...
~Kari

Uncomfortable

A while ago (months maybe even), I banned my scale. When people would ask about my weight, I'd tell them that my pants still fit so it must be ok. Today my pants still fit, but they were very uncomfortable. I can't remember the last time my clothes didn't fit. I don't like this feeling. My skin pulls on my incisions and I have these occasional freak outs that I am stretching out all of the skin that was made darn near perfect through surgery and hard work!

I know EXACTLY what to do to get back to that comfortable place, but a very exciting vacation is standing in my way.....sort of.  On Wednesday we are leaving for Disneyland. None of us have ever gone and we are all excited beyond belief. While at Disney it would be very difficult to track my food and record my exercise. There are some things that I can do while we are gone to help stay on track. We will be getting plenty of exercise just walking around the different parks. On the days that we don't go to a park, my goal is to do some sort of activity (swimming in pool, visiting gym at condo, etc). We will eat most of our meals at the condo. I will stock our fridge with healthy options. I will keep a water bottle in my backpack no matter where we go.

I refuse to weigh in the next two days. Knowing how much I need to lose will not keep me motivated or make the weight melt off.

I am going to Disneyland. I will fit on the rides. I will be able to walk all day. I will fit on the plane seat without a seat belt extender. I will life-long memories with my kids.

When I get back, it is back to My Fitness Pal. For the next week it's about enjoying my amazing family and the body that I have worked so very hard to achieve.
I haven't "ruined" anything. I've gotten off track, but that's the best part- I can get right back on.

~ Kari