Not Fat

Getting ready for bed tonight and Sissy announced that she was fat.

That's why she "runs slow". She's "fat".

SHES NOT FAT!!!!!!

I'm not blind. She's heavy.
She will probably always struggle with her weight.
She is tall and broad like her mom.

She's 9. You can't be 9 and "fat".

I was once 9.
I put myself on a secret diet with a neighbor girl because we were both "fat".

9.

Then she told me that I used to be fat.
(She's convinced every picture of me at my heaviest is when I was pregnant.)
Bug interjects, "Now you are skinny mommy".
I told him I'd rather be called healthy or strong.
He picked skinny.
Sissy adds, "That's why your run fast, because you aren't fat anymore".
I don't run fast. I run. Not fast.

She is not fat.
She's 9.

It's already started for her.
The insecurity, the comparing, the doubts, the feeling on inadequacy.

Baby girl, you are not fat. You are hard working, dedicated, kind, generous, helpful, compassionate, and funny.

 Raising healthy children was one of my number one motivations for losing my weight initially. I wanted them to see what healthy looked like. They see it.
She sees it and feels like, AT 9, that she can't achieve it.

My heart aches for her tonight.
She's 9 and is convinced that she has lost her battle with weight and fitness.

I'll continue to talk about ways that we can care for our bodies. My prayer, for her, is that it won't taker her until she is 34 to realize that she can be so.much.more than fat.

~Kari




 

Back at it!

Last Sunday I started recording. Again. I recorded 4/7 days this week. I lost 2.2 pounds. I'll take it.


(Excuse the lists... I wanted to post today and a list was all I had in me.)

Other changes I made this week:
- I started packing snacks again for work. Snacks include: pre-portioned bags of nuts, cliff bars, fruit, and boiled eggs.
- I planned out lunches that would be filling 3/5 days this week. Still working on figuring out the lunch battle.
- I passed on a bagel and chose a fruit cup for my Sunday afternoon coffee date. The fruit tasted amazing. 
- I cut up and planned out 5 days worth of veggies to take to work during the week. This is my favorite renewed habit. I even get to share veggies with co-workers. It makes me feel so good to be fueling their bodies in healthy ways. 
- We had spinach smoothies for breakfast twice this week. LOVE when my kids drink spinach for breakfast. It makes me feel like super Mom. 
- Pulled up at the grocery store, tired, told Facebook that I wasn't going to buy a candy bar. Guess what?! I didn't buy one. I so appreciate my FB friends that like silly posts like that. 

Anklegate update: Definitely on the mend. I had decent workouts this week. No pain. On Saturday, I ran with a friend who was SUPER fast (ok, fast in our world) and I had some great times. There is still some tenderness in the joint, but super minimal. I continue to wear my brace when I run and ice it at night when needed. I have a half marathon scheduled on May 3rd... Not sure how that is going to turn out. 

New week. New goals. Going to focus on water intake this week. Water bottle is already packed in the work bag. 

~Kari

Last Sad Post

Nope, not my last post. Just my last sad one.... at least for a while.

270.0

WHAT THE HECK?!?! 

I have to stop not caring.

So, here are my new committments:
- I am going back to recording. Today. Right now. This very moment.
- I will cut myself slack when I can't record exactly.
- I will weigh-in on Fridays and track that on my blog.

My success story is still happening.

~Kari

Food Fits

Big changes are in my near future when it comes to professional stuff. :) Big changes mean having to dress, at times, a little more professional. Truth be told, I do feel amazing when I dress all grown-up like. I hate to even admit that because it taps in to this part of me that is so very uncomfortable with being "pretty" or "looking good". I feel UNCOMFORTABLE with compliments that have anything to do with my appearance. That's for another day...

I went shopping tonight. 
For dress pants.
Shopping for pants sucks! Shopping for fitted "fancy" pants really sucks.
No big shock. I didn't find anything that fit. 

I texted the husband: "Nothing fits. Going to Costco. Food fits".
He wrote back: "Buy some bread".

SHEESH! Such a guy response.

Here's the thing.... I could have gone upstairs to the "plus" section. I could have found a pair of pants to wear. I could have, but I didn't. From about the age of 13 forward I was destined to shop either upstairs or downstairs (depending on the store), but never could I shop on the main floor with the regular girls. When I went shopping with friends I had to just "browse" because I knew nothing in their section would ever fit me.

At some point in this weight loss adventure I started being able to shop on the main floor. I'm not going upstairs. I can't. 

I left the mall in a state of panic.

Candy at Costco. That was what I needed.

Pulled out of the mall and started to turn in to Wendy's to get a Frosty. Except I didn't. I may have uttered some inappropriate language about how this stuff needed to end and how eating a frosty was really dumb. 

I got in the right lane and drove to Costco.

Pulling in to Costco I knew what I needed to do. I needed food for the week. Real food. Food that I would buy, take home, and prep. Food that would fill me up and be quick to prepare and eat. 

I started shopping (yes, I remembered the bread). I got spinach, sugar snap peas, strawberries, trail mix, grapes, baby carrots, cucumbers, chicken breast, chicken strips, chicken in a can (hmmm...that's a lot of chicken), tomatoes, frozen berries, cliff bars, and some smoked salmon.

I came home...

I portioned out veggies for the next 3 days

I boiled eggs

I measured trail mix

Here's the honest truth- I have been eating CRAP and lots of it. I've been not eating enough and then overeating at night. I can't remember the last time I drank enough water. I'm pushing my body physically through exercise and then rewarding it with unhealthy food.

This can't continue.

I can't shop upstairs.

“There are no secrets to success. It is the result of preparation, hard work 

and learning from failure.” Colin Powell

I know what to do. 
Now to do it....

~Kari

Too Hard

Came home from my run today... 

Defeated.

This is too damn hard. 

Period.

Eating "right". Correct portion sizes. Measuring. Having to always think about my food. Not eating my emotions. Planning for success. Drinking water. Eating until I'm full. 

Too hard. 

I tried to look back today and see when I started gaining weight. It was after my first half marathon. That was nearly 2 years ago. For 2 years I have been trying to recover.

I'm tired of being on a recovery mission.

(Full disclosure- I ate a bag of potato chips while writing this!)

You know what else is hard? Trying to maintain my level of fitness in my ever expanding body. It's bad. It's really bad. And YET, it's not so bad that I'm stopping myself. 

Nothing fits. Even my sweats. 

I read old posts. I miss that girl. I miss the one that was so excited about a smaller size or finding a new vegetable to try at the store. 

I've failed. Completely. It sucks.

I hate how I feel. 

I hate how I look in the mirror. 

I hate that my super cute short skirt doesn't fit and it's almost short skirt season.

I'm tired. 

I need to either quit, resign to my fate of always ultimately being the "big girl" or get a serious recharge to get out of this slump.

~Kari

Rest

I'm really good at doing, going, moving, pushing, pursuing, and fixing.

I rock a really long "to-do" list.


I am relentless when I set my mind to something. 

I do "busy" really, really, really well.

I'm a problem solver, goal oriented, task master type of girl.

I don't share this to boast, 

but rather to give some background on why rest is so hard for me.  

I don't do rest.

My coach schedules an extra rest day and I email him to ask if it's a mistake. (True story!)

I plan what work project I will take home to work for Sunday afternoons becuase I know that I'll have free time.

I eat lunch at my computer not because I have to but because it allows me to multitask. 

Two weeks ago the unbelievable happened. Winter vacation started (with really specific direction from my boss to not work over vacation) and my coach gave me a modified schedule that included light workouts and a 5 day (!!!!) rest period. WHATTTTTTT?!?!?!? 

I don't do rest. 

I did what any non-rester would do- I sent work emails (NO ONE replied!!!) and I asked my coach if I could take classes at the gym (He said NO). UGH!!!!

I fought the "rest period" for about a week. Then I caved..... sort of. 

I started cleaning and purging my house. It felt great. I started concentrating on my nutrition again. The extra time was so nice to have. I played games (like actual games that didn't require a computer screen) with my kids. I had coffee and lunch dates with friends.

I was busy, but rested. I feel amazing. 

I need to rest more. I'm not really sure how to do that once work starts up again. I need to set work limits. I stink at that. 

What about you? How do you set limits with work or working out? How do you find balance in such an unbalanced world?

~Kari

4 months = 25 pounds

Four months ago I got a new job. Not really a new job. Same job, new building. Due to the nature of my work, a new building really does equal a new job since my work is all about the people and each individual requires something special. 
I'm not complaining. I love my work. I love the challenge. In my new building I have found a renewed spark that I had lost before. Guess what else I found?! I found 25 pounds. Yep, you read that right. In 4 months I gained 25 pounds. WHAT?! I track my weight on My Fitness Pal and was looking at my weight graph yesterday when I realized this astonishing trend.

I gained weight because I'm unhappy. Right? Nope! Totally wrong. I'm love my job, my staff, the students, everything (uh, almost everything) about my new place!

I'm an emotional eater. I totally own that. What I've never owned, or realized, until yesterday that it's not just that I eat when I'm sad. I also eat when I'm happy or content. My "laziness" in my eating wasn't really lazy, but more of a relaxed, whew, I can breathe sort of eating. I overate out of contentment. I know that sounds odd, but it's true. 

Another reason for my gain was that I no longer had people "watching" what I was eating. In my old job, I was surrounded with people that had seen me go from 356 pounds to 193. They knew my struggle. They knew what/how/when I ate. They knew it ALL! I'm now in a place where no one is watching. Kari had 2 donuts, no big deal. Just because no one is watching doesn't mean that the calories don't count or don't effect how I feel. The games we play in our minds! 

(Totally not telling my new staff to watch me eat all the time. I love not being asked, "Can you eat that?". The answer is Yes, yes I can. Should I? Maybe not.)

I'm back. I've recorded for the past 6 days. I feel healthy and strong. My mind is once again focused on the prize- health and strength. I'm working on a plan for how to attack being back at work and eating healthy (food prep is the key!). I probably won't lose these 25 pounds in just 4 months, but they will come off. I've faced my biggest fear- I gained a significant amount a weight. I will lose it again. The best part of this is that I've learned a little more about myself and how I adjust to a change in environment and how I celebrate with food.
All good stuff!
Change is growth!

A work in progress,
Kari