How I Feel

I lost weight. A lot of weight. 165 pounds. An entire person. I ran a 1/2 marathon and then another one. I completed a sprint triathlon and then an olympic one. I did ALL OF THAT!

Then...I changed jobs and didn't have to be the girl that lost weight and did races. I gained some weight.

THEN...my son was diagnosed with leukemia. Healthy eating and fitness went totally out the window at that point. They were replaced with cafeteria meals and sleeping on a fold out couch at the hospital. Thankfully, my son is in remission. He had a bone marrow transplant that consumed all of our lives from April to September.

I don't know what I weigh, but I know how I feel. Sluggish. Achy. Tired. I miss that joy that I found in pursuing my health and fitness goals. I don't like how I feel.

I informed the husband that I was going to start recording again tomorrow. Again. The thing is, I know that I can do it again. It is going to take work, but I know what my body can do when I feed it healthy foods and exercise. This isn't a "New Year, New Me" post. It's a "Getting back to Me" post.

The exciting part for me is that I am going into this next phase of my fitness life with so much more knowledge than I had the first time. I know that I don't want to be the girl that eats 1200 calories a day and exercises 6 day a week. I know that I don't want to be the girl that weighs herself every single day (sometimes more than once a day). I know that I don't want my life to revolve around losing weight.

What I do know is that I don't like how I feel and I know that I can feel amazing in my own skin once again.

I'll be starting oh-so-slow. Tomorrow morning I will weigh in so that I know about how many calories I need to get back to my 2ish pounds a week weight loss. Then, I'm meeting a friend at the Y for a weigh lifting session.

My goals for the next 4-weeks:
- Record daily (as best as possible) and meet my calorie goal 4 out of 7 days each week
- 3 workouts per week that last at least 30 minutes
- Weigh in once a week. That's it. No more. I refuse to allow the scale to control my life. Again. I've walked that road. It's not pretty.
- Blog weekly with a check-in on how I'm doing with my goals. I debated returning to blogging, but I know that it is a great tool for me to process and hold myself accountable.


Here we go again,
Kari

Leukemia

It's been 7 months since my last post. Oy!


Here's my July-December summary: Grad school. Principal internship. Continued to workout 5-6 days a week. Ate whatever was in front of me and already prepared.


December 1, 2015: My son had been acting weird. Odd fevers. Leg pain. Lethargic. No explanation. We took him to the doctor and asked him to run labs. 


12:10 PM- My phone rings. It's a doctor that I've never met.

Doctor: "He has leukemia. We need you to check in by 1:00 PM. We will admit tonight and start treatment tomorrow morning."


I left work. Went home and got my son and husband. Drove to the hospital.


In the next 3 hours I would learn:
- 1 in 30,000 children develop leukemia
- My son has the less common type (AML) that only affects 15% of leukemia cases. It is significantly harder to cure.
- We would spend the next 20 days (it ended up being 24 days) in the hospital.


Round 1 of leukemia failed to put him into remission. Devastated.


We do another round.


Round 2, which just finished yesterday, finally put my Bug into remission.  We are no where near done. He will do one more round of chemo and then go to a different hospital to get a bone marrow transplant.


My health, of course, took a back seat to my family's needs.
Why am I writing today? Today, for the first time in 2 months, I work up early and got on the treadmill before work. Both of my kids are home and we have a week long reprieve before going back into the hospital.


Today, I am breathing.


~Kari

A Simple Trade

How'd I gain back half of the weight that I lost?

Uhhhhh.... I ate too much.

Calories in. Calories out. It really is that simple.

 I was talking with a friend yesterday about losing weight. He was talking about the idea of giving up (whatever your favorite food is) forever. I explained that it wasn't about a giving up. It was about a trade.

Yep, a trade.

I don't mean a trade like diet coke for regular or thin crust for thick.

It's trading your priorities.

I have forgotten about the trade.

Long ago I traded grabbing a candy bar and cheeseburger before dinner for going down water slides. I traded venti white chocolate mochas for being able to ride bikes with my daughter. I traded a third slice of pizza for coaching my son's soccer team. Finally, I traded binging on chips before bed for being able to complete an Olympic Triathlon...multiple half marathons...and just getting out of bed on Saturday morning for a long run.


This doesn't mean I don't eat pizza (2 slices, not 4), drink coffee (skinny caramel latte), diet coke (hangs head in shame.....I had given it up for a long time) and chips that are portioned out in a serving size.

Thankfully, I have remembered the trade before I was back to the 356 pounds of 4 years ago.

What now?
Back to recording!
I feel like I have said that about 100 times in the past 6 months.

Completing my Olympic Tri and talking about priorities have reminded me why I record. I don't want to get back to 192 if the only way to get there is through drastic calorie cutting and excessive exercise. I am determined, this time around, to be balance and healthy. If that means that I only get to 250, so be it. I am convinced that my body will respond to healthy eating (1800-2200 calories) and moderate exercise.

Tomorrow, I will record again. I won't record every day. I can't. I can record most days. This is too important to give up or give away.

~Kari
 

Toughman Olympic Triathlon

It's two week past my last race and I am just now sitting down to share it with you. 

Why so long?

- I'm back in school to get my principal credentials and it is keep me very busy. My typically lazy days of summer have been filled with class 9 hours a week and a lot of reading/paper writing. I LOVE my course work, but it definitely has been an adjustment.
- Writing about a race always makes it seem so final. I didn't want this one to end. 
- There is a part of me that didn't want to share because there were moments on this course that I felt unworthy, too heavy, too slow to be even "racing". I've never been an "I need to win" type of athlete, but this race definitely pushed my limits. 
- I can't tell you about this race without talking about my weight gain. Ugh! Ok, I could. I'm in charge of what I share. :) I've gained weight. I've shared that already. This race would have been WAY easier if I was 100 pounds (heck, 50) lighter. 


Here's the GREAT news! I completed an Olympic Triathlon at 275ish pounds and that is freaking amazing. This race reminded me how incredibly strong I am. I can do anything! 

Ok, that's all out. Let me tell you about the race!

Swim:
Rocked my swim! I rented a wetsuit and it was a perfect fit. This was an open water swim. I had given myself an hour to complete the .9 miles. I finished in 39 minutes. I was ecstatic. I came out of the water feeling strong. I even blew the husband a kiss. I've never felt great coming out of the water. My consistent swim training and Master's swim classes have really helped to strengthen my stroke.



Bike:
Easy transition from swim to bike. I had an Uncrustable on the start of my bike. There was a half ironman going on at the same time as my race, so I was surrounded by some really fast bikes. I kept reminding myself that this was my race and that I had to just stay my course. At one point another cyclist told me that my turn around was right ahead. Jokes on her- that was the sprint turn around. I still had another 6 miles to go. The bike was solid and consistent. I took it 5 miles at a time. Everyone 5 miles, I'd adjust and hydrate. I finished my 25.34 miles in 2:10. I remember looking at my watch at 40 minutes and then again at 2 hours. Not sure what happened for that hour in the middle. Ha! Guess my body took over. I started to ache at some point and had to really tune in to my body, figure out what was hurting and make some adjustments. Never on the bike was I miserable! Getting of the bike was rough- my thighs were tight. 



Run:
Off the bike and on to the run. I was tired. Really tired. There was no way that I was going to let 6 miles stand between me and completing an Olympic triathlon. I told the husband that I may have to walk, but that I would finish. I started walking. More walking. I decided to just go one mile at a time. My walk is pretty quick. I was walking 14:30 miles for the first 2 miles. Miles 2-4 were on the beach. Those took longer, but I pressed on. I zoned out for miles 3-5. At one point a runner, that was doing the half, passed me. I told her that she was amazing. She told me that we were all amazing. That carried me the rest of the race. I turned a corner and saw the finish line. My watch told me that I still had a mile to go. I was elated. I asked another person if that was really the finish line. It was! I was elated. I ended up walking the entire run in 1:35; that's a 15:19 pace with 2 of those miles being on the beach. I'll take it! I chose not to run because I was worried that I just didn't have enough in me to finish if I put too much out early in the run. I did run across the finish line. 

Total time: 4:34:02
I finished an Olympic triathlon. 

It was not easy. 
I will totally do it again. 

BAM!

~Kari

Olympic Tri training

Last July I finished my third sprint triathalon and decided that I could do more. Sure, it took me 2 hours, but I had FUN. This is, after all, all about having fun. I emailed my coach and asked if I was crazy. He assured me that it would be a challenge, but doable. What I didn't know at that time was that I'd be heavier and deal with a significant ankle and now foot injury during training.

I'm 25 days out from my Olympic tri. I don't think I'm ready. I went out for my longest brick a week ago and had a sharp pain in my foot as soon as I started my run. To be honest, it hurt getting out of bed that morning, but I decided it was just tight and would loosen up on the run.

I've been training this week on a not-so-good but bearable foot. Massage on Saturday didn't help. I'm hoping that a chiroractor visit tomorrow will solve my problem.

At this point, I may be walking the "run", but I should be able to get it done. I don't want to walk the run.... My longest ride to date has been 18 miles. I've been doing 2000 meters with minimal rest. My "long" runs have been 5ish miles.

Race Distances:
Swim: .9 miles (1448 meters)
Bike: 25.34 miles
Run: 6.2 miles

To sum up:
I'm not ready.
My foot hurts.
I'm way over "race weight".
I'm doing this. :)

I'm going to make every effort over the next 25 days to prepare physically and emotionally for this undertaking.

~Kari

Not "too big"

Hmmmm.... Where to start?

I haven't blogged in nearly 3 months.

You know what they say- It's never good when a blogger goes silent.

The thing is, it has been good. It's been SO good....in most areas.

- Still working out. Training for an Olympic Tri- more on that very soon.
- Started a new job in August. Loving it!
- Applied for "stupid principal school" (kids aren't excited about it and deemed it "stupid principal school"), was accepted, and start classes this week. I can't wait! It's what I have been called to do.
- Have made some new friends at work that bring me such great joy!

My eating has sucked! Actually, it started to move to the back burner a few years ago. This year I put it in the freezer. Right next to the double chocolate chip ice cream.

The truth is that since my first half marathon (June 2012), I have slowly gained weight. I don't know what I weigh today. It doesn't matter. It never was about the number on the scale. It was about having control over my food instead of allowing my food to control me.

I've learned that. Now.

I'm doing things with my body at my current weight that I never would have done at this weight years ago. I used to limit my activities because I was "too big". I've learned, through my weight gain, that I'm not too big. Did you hear that? You're not too big. It's harder when you are bigger, but you are not too big.

Starting on Thursday (on vacation right now and REFUSE to stress out about this), I am going to start recording again. I'm not recording to lose weight, but rather to regain control. I will lose weight. It's natural. I'm going to set my range high for me to give me the space I need to get back in to the flow of recording with the stress of being hungry. Also, I have this Olympic Tri in less than a month. Now is not the time to create a calorie deficit. I need all of the GOOD fuel possible.

More on tri training this week!

Time to get in a run on the beach before the day gets going.
How are you????


~Kari

Not Fat

Getting ready for bed tonight and Sissy announced that she was fat.

That's why she "runs slow". She's "fat".

SHES NOT FAT!!!!!!

I'm not blind. She's heavy.
She will probably always struggle with her weight.
She is tall and broad like her mom.

She's 9. You can't be 9 and "fat".

I was once 9.
I put myself on a secret diet with a neighbor girl because we were both "fat".

9.

Then she told me that I used to be fat.
(She's convinced every picture of me at my heaviest is when I was pregnant.)
Bug interjects, "Now you are skinny mommy".
I told him I'd rather be called healthy or strong.
He picked skinny.
Sissy adds, "That's why your run fast, because you aren't fat anymore".
I don't run fast. I run. Not fast.

She is not fat.
She's 9.

It's already started for her.
The insecurity, the comparing, the doubts, the feeling on inadequacy.

Baby girl, you are not fat. You are hard working, dedicated, kind, generous, helpful, compassionate, and funny.

 Raising healthy children was one of my number one motivations for losing my weight initially. I wanted them to see what healthy looked like. They see it.
She sees it and feels like, AT 9, that she can't achieve it.

My heart aches for her tonight.
She's 9 and is convinced that she has lost her battle with weight and fitness.

I'll continue to talk about ways that we can care for our bodies. My prayer, for her, is that it won't taker her until she is 34 to realize that she can be so.much.more than fat.

~Kari




 

Back at it!

Last Sunday I started recording. Again. I recorded 4/7 days this week. I lost 2.2 pounds. I'll take it.


(Excuse the lists... I wanted to post today and a list was all I had in me.)

Other changes I made this week:
- I started packing snacks again for work. Snacks include: pre-portioned bags of nuts, cliff bars, fruit, and boiled eggs.
- I planned out lunches that would be filling 3/5 days this week. Still working on figuring out the lunch battle.
- I passed on a bagel and chose a fruit cup for my Sunday afternoon coffee date. The fruit tasted amazing. 
- I cut up and planned out 5 days worth of veggies to take to work during the week. This is my favorite renewed habit. I even get to share veggies with co-workers. It makes me feel so good to be fueling their bodies in healthy ways. 
- We had spinach smoothies for breakfast twice this week. LOVE when my kids drink spinach for breakfast. It makes me feel like super Mom. 
- Pulled up at the grocery store, tired, told Facebook that I wasn't going to buy a candy bar. Guess what?! I didn't buy one. I so appreciate my FB friends that like silly posts like that. 

Anklegate update: Definitely on the mend. I had decent workouts this week. No pain. On Saturday, I ran with a friend who was SUPER fast (ok, fast in our world) and I had some great times. There is still some tenderness in the joint, but super minimal. I continue to wear my brace when I run and ice it at night when needed. I have a half marathon scheduled on May 3rd... Not sure how that is going to turn out. 

New week. New goals. Going to focus on water intake this week. Water bottle is already packed in the work bag. 

~Kari

Last Sad Post

Nope, not my last post. Just my last sad one.... at least for a while.

270.0

WHAT THE HECK?!?! 

I have to stop not caring.

So, here are my new committments:
- I am going back to recording. Today. Right now. This very moment.
- I will cut myself slack when I can't record exactly.
- I will weigh-in on Fridays and track that on my blog.

My success story is still happening.

~Kari

Food Fits

Big changes are in my near future when it comes to professional stuff. :) Big changes mean having to dress, at times, a little more professional. Truth be told, I do feel amazing when I dress all grown-up like. I hate to even admit that because it taps in to this part of me that is so very uncomfortable with being "pretty" or "looking good". I feel UNCOMFORTABLE with compliments that have anything to do with my appearance. That's for another day...

I went shopping tonight. 
For dress pants.
Shopping for pants sucks! Shopping for fitted "fancy" pants really sucks.
No big shock. I didn't find anything that fit. 

I texted the husband: "Nothing fits. Going to Costco. Food fits".
He wrote back: "Buy some bread".

SHEESH! Such a guy response.

Here's the thing.... I could have gone upstairs to the "plus" section. I could have found a pair of pants to wear. I could have, but I didn't. From about the age of 13 forward I was destined to shop either upstairs or downstairs (depending on the store), but never could I shop on the main floor with the regular girls. When I went shopping with friends I had to just "browse" because I knew nothing in their section would ever fit me.

At some point in this weight loss adventure I started being able to shop on the main floor. I'm not going upstairs. I can't. 

I left the mall in a state of panic.

Candy at Costco. That was what I needed.

Pulled out of the mall and started to turn in to Wendy's to get a Frosty. Except I didn't. I may have uttered some inappropriate language about how this stuff needed to end and how eating a frosty was really dumb. 

I got in the right lane and drove to Costco.

Pulling in to Costco I knew what I needed to do. I needed food for the week. Real food. Food that I would buy, take home, and prep. Food that would fill me up and be quick to prepare and eat. 

I started shopping (yes, I remembered the bread). I got spinach, sugar snap peas, strawberries, trail mix, grapes, baby carrots, cucumbers, chicken breast, chicken strips, chicken in a can (hmmm...that's a lot of chicken), tomatoes, frozen berries, cliff bars, and some smoked salmon.

I came home...

I portioned out veggies for the next 3 days

I boiled eggs

I measured trail mix

Here's the honest truth- I have been eating CRAP and lots of it. I've been not eating enough and then overeating at night. I can't remember the last time I drank enough water. I'm pushing my body physically through exercise and then rewarding it with unhealthy food.

This can't continue.

I can't shop upstairs.

“There are no secrets to success. It is the result of preparation, hard work 

and learning from failure.” Colin Powell

I know what to do. 
Now to do it....

~Kari

Too Hard

Came home from my run today... 

Defeated.

This is too damn hard. 

Period.

Eating "right". Correct portion sizes. Measuring. Having to always think about my food. Not eating my emotions. Planning for success. Drinking water. Eating until I'm full. 

Too hard. 

I tried to look back today and see when I started gaining weight. It was after my first half marathon. That was nearly 2 years ago. For 2 years I have been trying to recover.

I'm tired of being on a recovery mission.

(Full disclosure- I ate a bag of potato chips while writing this!)

You know what else is hard? Trying to maintain my level of fitness in my ever expanding body. It's bad. It's really bad. And YET, it's not so bad that I'm stopping myself. 

Nothing fits. Even my sweats. 

I read old posts. I miss that girl. I miss the one that was so excited about a smaller size or finding a new vegetable to try at the store. 

I've failed. Completely. It sucks.

I hate how I feel. 

I hate how I look in the mirror. 

I hate that my super cute short skirt doesn't fit and it's almost short skirt season.

I'm tired. 

I need to either quit, resign to my fate of always ultimately being the "big girl" or get a serious recharge to get out of this slump.

~Kari

Rest

I'm really good at doing, going, moving, pushing, pursuing, and fixing.

I rock a really long "to-do" list.


I am relentless when I set my mind to something. 

I do "busy" really, really, really well.

I'm a problem solver, goal oriented, task master type of girl.

I don't share this to boast, 

but rather to give some background on why rest is so hard for me.  

I don't do rest.

My coach schedules an extra rest day and I email him to ask if it's a mistake. (True story!)

I plan what work project I will take home to work for Sunday afternoons becuase I know that I'll have free time.

I eat lunch at my computer not because I have to but because it allows me to multitask. 

Two weeks ago the unbelievable happened. Winter vacation started (with really specific direction from my boss to not work over vacation) and my coach gave me a modified schedule that included light workouts and a 5 day (!!!!) rest period. WHATTTTTTT?!?!?!? 

I don't do rest. 

I did what any non-rester would do- I sent work emails (NO ONE replied!!!) and I asked my coach if I could take classes at the gym (He said NO). UGH!!!!

I fought the "rest period" for about a week. Then I caved..... sort of. 

I started cleaning and purging my house. It felt great. I started concentrating on my nutrition again. The extra time was so nice to have. I played games (like actual games that didn't require a computer screen) with my kids. I had coffee and lunch dates with friends.

I was busy, but rested. I feel amazing. 

I need to rest more. I'm not really sure how to do that once work starts up again. I need to set work limits. I stink at that. 

What about you? How do you set limits with work or working out? How do you find balance in such an unbalanced world?

~Kari

4 months = 25 pounds

Four months ago I got a new job. Not really a new job. Same job, new building. Due to the nature of my work, a new building really does equal a new job since my work is all about the people and each individual requires something special. 
I'm not complaining. I love my work. I love the challenge. In my new building I have found a renewed spark that I had lost before. Guess what else I found?! I found 25 pounds. Yep, you read that right. In 4 months I gained 25 pounds. WHAT?! I track my weight on My Fitness Pal and was looking at my weight graph yesterday when I realized this astonishing trend.

I gained weight because I'm unhappy. Right? Nope! Totally wrong. I'm love my job, my staff, the students, everything (uh, almost everything) about my new place!

I'm an emotional eater. I totally own that. What I've never owned, or realized, until yesterday that it's not just that I eat when I'm sad. I also eat when I'm happy or content. My "laziness" in my eating wasn't really lazy, but more of a relaxed, whew, I can breathe sort of eating. I overate out of contentment. I know that sounds odd, but it's true. 

Another reason for my gain was that I no longer had people "watching" what I was eating. In my old job, I was surrounded with people that had seen me go from 356 pounds to 193. They knew my struggle. They knew what/how/when I ate. They knew it ALL! I'm now in a place where no one is watching. Kari had 2 donuts, no big deal. Just because no one is watching doesn't mean that the calories don't count or don't effect how I feel. The games we play in our minds! 

(Totally not telling my new staff to watch me eat all the time. I love not being asked, "Can you eat that?". The answer is Yes, yes I can. Should I? Maybe not.)

I'm back. I've recorded for the past 6 days. I feel healthy and strong. My mind is once again focused on the prize- health and strength. I'm working on a plan for how to attack being back at work and eating healthy (food prep is the key!). I probably won't lose these 25 pounds in just 4 months, but they will come off. I've faced my biggest fear- I gained a significant amount a weight. I will lose it again. The best part of this is that I've learned a little more about myself and how I adjust to a change in environment and how I celebrate with food.
All good stuff!
Change is growth!

A work in progress,
Kari

 

Facing Fears

I weighed myself today for the first time in months. 
The world didn't end. 
I didn't even cry. 
I laughed.
I didn't laugh at the number. I laughed at the fear that that stupid number has had over me for way too long. 

Here's my reality- I've gained 62 pounds from my lightest weight.

Since being at my lightest weight, I've also-
- Completed a 2nd half marathon
- Completed 2 sprint triathlons
- Inspired others in their own weight loss success stories
- Modeled an active lifestyle for my children
- Prioritized fitness to the point that I now get up at 5 AM so that I am sure to fit in my activity

When I lost my weight, I promised myself that I wouldn't be THAT GIRL that gained it all back. I haven't gained it all back, but am well on my way. 
Timehop has been all up in my weight loss business lately. 3 years ago was when I was at my lowest weight and those pictures/status updates have been popping up daily on my phone. I'm actually healthier (in some ways) today that I was in those pictures. I no longer live on diet coke and cheese sticks. My hair isn't falling out. My nails are strong. 

I need to lose some weight. I'm not buying new pants and I am training for a freaking Olympic Triathlon (in 197 days!!!). I've got work to do. 

I'm not sure where my body will "settle" in terms of the scale. At 2 pounds a week, I could feasibly be 56 pounds lighter for the race. WOW! What a difference that would make. I know that my body does not always work in a 2-pounds a week guaranteed. Even if I only lost a pound a week, I'd still be 30 pounds lighter by the race. That would still be very significant. Imagine swimming a mile, biking 26 miles, and running 6 miles with 30 pound weights tied to your ankles. 

I recorded yesterday. Yep, Christmas day. :) Are you on My Fitness Pal? Add me as a friend- weighting_place. 

On a high note- I am still 101.4 pounds lighter than I was 5 years ago. BAM!
The scales is not the end all. If I was eating healthy and a moderate amount of calories and the scale didn't move, that would be a different conversation. The reality is that I haven't been. My body easily gains weight. That's my reality. I'm owning that and moving forward. 

I didn't cry today when I weighed myself. That is HUGE growth from 5 years ago. The scale doesn't scare me. 

Rest day on the docket. The kids and I are headed to the gym to go swimming (really just bobbing under water over and over again to say "hi" to each other). I'm hoping to sneak in to the sauna for a few minutes while they play.

Oh, and I already recorded my breakfast. 

~Kari

A Gift for Me

A few weeks ago I decided to take a week and record my food, once again. It felt amazing. I felt in control. I wasn't starving, but had moments where I was actually hungry (you know, like we are supposed to be). It was a great week. 

The week ended.

Here I am....3 weeks later....still overeating....never hungry....training my tail off and seeing little progress because I am swim/bike/running with a butt-load of extra weight. 

I tried to put on a belt today and my belt doesn't fit. 

I feel uncomfortable in my own skin.

I can tell you exactly why I've gained- I've become lazy with my eating. I'm in a new job (food environment) where it is easy to overeat or not eat all day long. I get a candy bar while grocery shopping. I've turned back to old habits that don't support my goals. 

So, what now?

It's Christmas Eve and I am giving myself a gift! 

I'm giving myself a fresh start.

I'm giving myself permission to own the weight that I've gained and move forward.

I'm giving myself the the time that I need to return to me comfortable weight. 1-2 pounds a week. Over and over and over again.

I have the tools that I need to be successful. I know what and how to eat. 

This time will be a little different. I'm committed to
- not resorting to "diet" or "light" products just to meet a caloric goal
- not consuming fewer that 1800 calories a day
- guesstimating my food to the best of my ability when I'm out instead of avoiding going out for fear of not being able to record/measure my food
- weighing myself once a week (Friday are my weigh-in days)

Starting on Friday Why wait?! Starting tomorrow, Christmas day, I will start recording again. I will record what I can, guesstimate the rest, and move forward. Friday morning I will weigh myself, accept it, and move forward. 

I'm looking for a few people that I can "check-in" with as I get back on track. Knowing that I am telling someone else about my successes helps me to keep going. That's why I love my running coach so much- I rarely skip cause I don't want to tell him that I skipped or quit.

Here we go again.... :)

~Kari



 

Scaling Back- Week 1

Hi friends!
Thank you for all of the encouraging words after my last post. To be honest, I didn't read your comments until today. It hurt too bad. Publishing my last blog and actually "dealing" with it were two very different things. 

Another week has gone by. I'm still spiraling. 

Yesterday I had the crazy idea that I would weigh myself, but not look. I told the husband that he was in charge of tracking my weight. It seemed like a good idea, but then last night I kept waking up and thinking about it. 

I need to regain control of my eating, but I can't use the scale to measure that success.

When did I start to regain? At 192 pounds. 192 pounds. That number haunted me. I could not get past that number. Eventually the constant 192 pound read out on the scale stopped validating my efforts. It would happen again. I would get down to XXX pounds and, once again, lose motivation after the weight loss stopped. 

All night I wrestled with how do I know if what I'm doing is working without the scale telling me. 

I want to wear my jeans to work. I can't. I have a pair of 14s that are MIA and a pair of 12s that go over my hips, would wouldn't button even if I laid on the bed and had a kid sit on my stomach before trying to button them. Ouch! They use to fit comfortably.

So, I start again. I have the tools. I KNOW what to do. What I don't know is how to measure success without the scale. 

Today is Tuesday, so I start on Tuesday. My plan is to make a simple goal for each week and then build on that goal.

Week 1 goal- Record 5 out of 7 days this week while staying is a 1800-2000 calorie range. I know that recording works. I've seen my body change in amazing ways as a direct result of recording. 
Sub-goal- Find my size 14 jeans! I want to try those on weekly to help track how my body is changing. 

When will I be at goal? Never! That's the great and terrifying part. This is a forever process. I'll make progress. I'll slip up and get to start again the next day. I'll wear jeans to work. Drinking water instead of pop will once again become normal. It doesn't end. I don't finish this race....and that's ok. 


~Kari

How are you?

The question "How are you" strikes fear in my heart.

Do I tell the truth? 
Do I answer "fine"?
How do I answer this without sounding like a failure?
How am I?

Well....

I'm driving through and getting fast food more often than I am filling up my water bottle.

I just bought a candy bar at the store (ate it!) and then got a hot chocolate on the way home.

I'm eating out of bags instead of portioning out a serving.

I can't remember the last vegetable I ate. 

I eat until I am full, and then have another serving. 

I had pop this week on three different days. I don't drink pop!

I'm anticipating exciting future events that are causing me to struggle to focus on the right now stuff.  

Here are some other truths....

I'm running farther and faster than I have in a long time.

My swims have been solid.

I went for a 30 mile bike ride on Tuesday for "fun" and actually loved every.single.minute.

I am having a TON of fun at my new school (job).

WHAT IS GOING ON???

I've thought about this a lot over the past week or so. I wish that I had amazing insights/answers to share with you.

Why have I slipped so far in my healthy eating habits? 

The truth is pretty simple. I've become complacent in my nutrition. It's easier to eat lucky charms for breakfast than it is to make oatmeal. It is easier to eat a bag of chips than it is to count out a serving. 

I suck at balance. I'm such an all or nothing girl. Deprive myself and eat 1200 calories a day AND workout 6 days a week? DONE!!! Forget it all and eat 3000+ calories a day? DONE!! Live in the middle? How? 

Dying to know what I weigh? Not me! I have NO idea. 

I let my weight define me for so long. When I was morbidly obese I defined myself as the 

"big" girl. When I was losing I was that "skinny" girl. I don't know how to live in the middle. What I weigh can not be who I am.   

So, how am I?

I'm excited about my new job, challenged in my workouts in the most awesome ways, loving the fall temperatures, looking forward to seeing some friends tonight for dinner, looking forward to connecting with Emily next weekend, and scared to death that I can't get my nutrition under control and that I will return to that morbidly obese girl. 

How are you?

~Kari

5 AM

5 AM is my new normal. I go to bed between 9 and 10 and am up at 5 every.single.morning. Yep, even weekends.

Why 5 AM?

The husband goes to work anywhere from 6:40-7:00-not at all. His job is on a day by day basis and I never know when/if he'll need to leave.

My work requires many evening activities that make it hard to plan for after school stuff.

5 AM is the time where I know I can work out, watch a TV show, or just be still. Everyone is still sleeping. The world stops for a few hours.

I LOVE IT!

I woke up at 5 today and the plan was to run 4 miles. I just couldn't do it. Not today. Instead I watched an episode of Criminal Minds (a super gross one with bugs- yuck!), drank an extra cup of coffee, and read some blogs.

This has been a yucky week of emotionally charged why-can't-I-stop-crying and feeling so inadequate sort of week. A week where I just want to get together with some friends, watch chick flicks, and just be. I need more 5 AM's in my life.

Skipped my run this morning. I'll run tonight...not because I have to, because I WANT to.
I just didn't WANT to this morning. I'm learning, slowly, to name what it is that I need and make that happen. There is so much power in being honest with yourself and others about what you need. It's odd that naming what we need can feel so selfish and, yet, we insist that those we love speak up about what they are needing.

It's 7 AM now...kids are up. They want to eat. Work is waiting for me. Lunches need to be made. Did we do homework last night? Did Bug's clothes get put in the dryer last night?
Life will go-go-go for the next 13 hours.
I will run after work. It's what I want to do. :)

~Kari

Trigger Foods

Goal set- Eat healthy food that will help me be a stronger triathlete.

Someone brings you a Cinnabon that they bought just.for.you.

You have to eat it.  Right?

I had to eat it.

Up until that point my eating was in check for the day. After the Cinnabon things got ugly- marshmallows, peanut butter on a spoon, "fruit" snacks. UGH!

Did you know that a classic Cinnabon roll has 880 calories? Nope, I didn't either. I inhaled that thing in probably less than 10 minutes. 880 out of 2000 calories in less than 10 minutes. 

Here's the thing... It's not the 880 calories, it's how I felt after eating it. How I CRAVED more and more processed foods after eating it. I've never considered foods to be "trigger" foods for me, but after really thinking about my eating yesterday I realized that I do, indeed, have some triggers. 

But he bought it just.for.me. How can I turn that away?

Goal set- Eat healthy food that will help me be a stronger triathlete.

I *could* have had a few bites and saved the rest to share with the husband later. But I didn't...

Food isn't "bad", but if it causes me to lose track of my goals, then it is "bad" for me at this time in my life.

How do you pass on "special" foods?

~Kari

Recording reboot

It's been a long time since I shared my story with a group of strangers. This week at work I had the opportunity to share a little bit about my transformation and it came as a result of my arm scars. To me they are barely noticeable. I forget about them. 

I shared about my weight loss, my surgery, and that the struggle continues.

After sharing I had several people come up to me privately and share their story. It was an amazing reminder that we all have a story. MANY people struggle with weight loss...gain...food control issues. Struggling with food seems to be such a lonely road, but in reality it's one that many of us have travelled. 

My Fitness Pal (MFP) has been an incredible tool in my never-ending plight to control my portions and calories. I need to go back to a recording system, but am dragging my heels to return to MFP. It works great, but I find myself obsessing over the calories to the point that it became unhealthy. I had my goal range and would either (A) eat even though I wasn't hungry or (B) stop eating even through I was truly hungry in order to meet my goal. I'm a goal oriented girl and I usually meet any goal I set. 

I tried just watching my macros. I can't get enough protein without some sort of powder substitute and I really want to eat real food. Not meeting my macro goals every day led to pretty extreme frustration.

Why can't I eat normal and not be morbidly obese? Not saying I'm morbidly obese at this very moment, but if I continue to just eat what/when/how much I want, then I will be back in that spot again.

What is your goal? Deb asked me that question this week (THANK YOU!) and it really helped to put things in to perspective. My goal is to eat in a way to allows me to perform as a stronger athlete and keeps my body functioning in a healthy manner (blood sugars, cholesterol, all that good stuff). 

Tracking keeps me accountable...I need that accountability.

At this point I'm considering:
- Going back to MFP
- Paper recording in a journal with an actual pencil
- Focusing on Macros and trying to figure out how to get more protein
- taking pictures of what I eat (I HATE this idea, but some people love it!)

Do you record your food? 
Have you found a tool that works well for you? 

~Kari