Facing Fears

I weighed myself today for the first time in months. 
The world didn't end. 
I didn't even cry. 
I laughed.
I didn't laugh at the number. I laughed at the fear that that stupid number has had over me for way too long. 

Here's my reality- I've gained 62 pounds from my lightest weight.

Since being at my lightest weight, I've also-
- Completed a 2nd half marathon
- Completed 2 sprint triathlons
- Inspired others in their own weight loss success stories
- Modeled an active lifestyle for my children
- Prioritized fitness to the point that I now get up at 5 AM so that I am sure to fit in my activity

When I lost my weight, I promised myself that I wouldn't be THAT GIRL that gained it all back. I haven't gained it all back, but am well on my way. 
Timehop has been all up in my weight loss business lately. 3 years ago was when I was at my lowest weight and those pictures/status updates have been popping up daily on my phone. I'm actually healthier (in some ways) today that I was in those pictures. I no longer live on diet coke and cheese sticks. My hair isn't falling out. My nails are strong. 

I need to lose some weight. I'm not buying new pants and I am training for a freaking Olympic Triathlon (in 197 days!!!). I've got work to do. 

I'm not sure where my body will "settle" in terms of the scale. At 2 pounds a week, I could feasibly be 56 pounds lighter for the race. WOW! What a difference that would make. I know that my body does not always work in a 2-pounds a week guaranteed. Even if I only lost a pound a week, I'd still be 30 pounds lighter by the race. That would still be very significant. Imagine swimming a mile, biking 26 miles, and running 6 miles with 30 pound weights tied to your ankles. 

I recorded yesterday. Yep, Christmas day. :) Are you on My Fitness Pal? Add me as a friend- weighting_place. 

On a high note- I am still 101.4 pounds lighter than I was 5 years ago. BAM!
The scales is not the end all. If I was eating healthy and a moderate amount of calories and the scale didn't move, that would be a different conversation. The reality is that I haven't been. My body easily gains weight. That's my reality. I'm owning that and moving forward. 

I didn't cry today when I weighed myself. That is HUGE growth from 5 years ago. The scale doesn't scare me. 

Rest day on the docket. The kids and I are headed to the gym to go swimming (really just bobbing under water over and over again to say "hi" to each other). I'm hoping to sneak in to the sauna for a few minutes while they play.

Oh, and I already recorded my breakfast. 

~Kari

A Gift for Me

A few weeks ago I decided to take a week and record my food, once again. It felt amazing. I felt in control. I wasn't starving, but had moments where I was actually hungry (you know, like we are supposed to be). It was a great week. 

The week ended.

Here I am....3 weeks later....still overeating....never hungry....training my tail off and seeing little progress because I am swim/bike/running with a butt-load of extra weight. 

I tried to put on a belt today and my belt doesn't fit. 

I feel uncomfortable in my own skin.

I can tell you exactly why I've gained- I've become lazy with my eating. I'm in a new job (food environment) where it is easy to overeat or not eat all day long. I get a candy bar while grocery shopping. I've turned back to old habits that don't support my goals. 

So, what now?

It's Christmas Eve and I am giving myself a gift! 

I'm giving myself a fresh start.

I'm giving myself permission to own the weight that I've gained and move forward.

I'm giving myself the the time that I need to return to me comfortable weight. 1-2 pounds a week. Over and over and over again.

I have the tools that I need to be successful. I know what and how to eat. 

This time will be a little different. I'm committed to
- not resorting to "diet" or "light" products just to meet a caloric goal
- not consuming fewer that 1800 calories a day
- guesstimating my food to the best of my ability when I'm out instead of avoiding going out for fear of not being able to record/measure my food
- weighing myself once a week (Friday are my weigh-in days)

Starting on Friday Why wait?! Starting tomorrow, Christmas day, I will start recording again. I will record what I can, guesstimate the rest, and move forward. Friday morning I will weigh myself, accept it, and move forward. 

I'm looking for a few people that I can "check-in" with as I get back on track. Knowing that I am telling someone else about my successes helps me to keep going. That's why I love my running coach so much- I rarely skip cause I don't want to tell him that I skipped or quit.

Here we go again.... :)

~Kari



 

Scaling Back- Week 1

Hi friends!
Thank you for all of the encouraging words after my last post. To be honest, I didn't read your comments until today. It hurt too bad. Publishing my last blog and actually "dealing" with it were two very different things. 

Another week has gone by. I'm still spiraling. 

Yesterday I had the crazy idea that I would weigh myself, but not look. I told the husband that he was in charge of tracking my weight. It seemed like a good idea, but then last night I kept waking up and thinking about it. 

I need to regain control of my eating, but I can't use the scale to measure that success.

When did I start to regain? At 192 pounds. 192 pounds. That number haunted me. I could not get past that number. Eventually the constant 192 pound read out on the scale stopped validating my efforts. It would happen again. I would get down to XXX pounds and, once again, lose motivation after the weight loss stopped. 

All night I wrestled with how do I know if what I'm doing is working without the scale telling me. 

I want to wear my jeans to work. I can't. I have a pair of 14s that are MIA and a pair of 12s that go over my hips, would wouldn't button even if I laid on the bed and had a kid sit on my stomach before trying to button them. Ouch! They use to fit comfortably.

So, I start again. I have the tools. I KNOW what to do. What I don't know is how to measure success without the scale. 

Today is Tuesday, so I start on Tuesday. My plan is to make a simple goal for each week and then build on that goal.

Week 1 goal- Record 5 out of 7 days this week while staying is a 1800-2000 calorie range. I know that recording works. I've seen my body change in amazing ways as a direct result of recording. 
Sub-goal- Find my size 14 jeans! I want to try those on weekly to help track how my body is changing. 

When will I be at goal? Never! That's the great and terrifying part. This is a forever process. I'll make progress. I'll slip up and get to start again the next day. I'll wear jeans to work. Drinking water instead of pop will once again become normal. It doesn't end. I don't finish this race....and that's ok. 


~Kari

How are you?

The question "How are you" strikes fear in my heart.

Do I tell the truth? 
Do I answer "fine"?
How do I answer this without sounding like a failure?
How am I?

Well....

I'm driving through and getting fast food more often than I am filling up my water bottle.

I just bought a candy bar at the store (ate it!) and then got a hot chocolate on the way home.

I'm eating out of bags instead of portioning out a serving.

I can't remember the last vegetable I ate. 

I eat until I am full, and then have another serving. 

I had pop this week on three different days. I don't drink pop!

I'm anticipating exciting future events that are causing me to struggle to focus on the right now stuff.  

Here are some other truths....

I'm running farther and faster than I have in a long time.

My swims have been solid.

I went for a 30 mile bike ride on Tuesday for "fun" and actually loved every.single.minute.

I am having a TON of fun at my new school (job).

WHAT IS GOING ON???

I've thought about this a lot over the past week or so. I wish that I had amazing insights/answers to share with you.

Why have I slipped so far in my healthy eating habits? 

The truth is pretty simple. I've become complacent in my nutrition. It's easier to eat lucky charms for breakfast than it is to make oatmeal. It is easier to eat a bag of chips than it is to count out a serving. 

I suck at balance. I'm such an all or nothing girl. Deprive myself and eat 1200 calories a day AND workout 6 days a week? DONE!!! Forget it all and eat 3000+ calories a day? DONE!! Live in the middle? How? 

Dying to know what I weigh? Not me! I have NO idea. 

I let my weight define me for so long. When I was morbidly obese I defined myself as the 

"big" girl. When I was losing I was that "skinny" girl. I don't know how to live in the middle. What I weigh can not be who I am.   

So, how am I?

I'm excited about my new job, challenged in my workouts in the most awesome ways, loving the fall temperatures, looking forward to seeing some friends tonight for dinner, looking forward to connecting with Emily next weekend, and scared to death that I can't get my nutrition under control and that I will return to that morbidly obese girl. 

How are you?

~Kari

5 AM

5 AM is my new normal. I go to bed between 9 and 10 and am up at 5 every.single.morning. Yep, even weekends.

Why 5 AM?

The husband goes to work anywhere from 6:40-7:00-not at all. His job is on a day by day basis and I never know when/if he'll need to leave.

My work requires many evening activities that make it hard to plan for after school stuff.

5 AM is the time where I know I can work out, watch a TV show, or just be still. Everyone is still sleeping. The world stops for a few hours.

I LOVE IT!

I woke up at 5 today and the plan was to run 4 miles. I just couldn't do it. Not today. Instead I watched an episode of Criminal Minds (a super gross one with bugs- yuck!), drank an extra cup of coffee, and read some blogs.

This has been a yucky week of emotionally charged why-can't-I-stop-crying and feeling so inadequate sort of week. A week where I just want to get together with some friends, watch chick flicks, and just be. I need more 5 AM's in my life.

Skipped my run this morning. I'll run tonight...not because I have to, because I WANT to.
I just didn't WANT to this morning. I'm learning, slowly, to name what it is that I need and make that happen. There is so much power in being honest with yourself and others about what you need. It's odd that naming what we need can feel so selfish and, yet, we insist that those we love speak up about what they are needing.

It's 7 AM now...kids are up. They want to eat. Work is waiting for me. Lunches need to be made. Did we do homework last night? Did Bug's clothes get put in the dryer last night?
Life will go-go-go for the next 13 hours.
I will run after work. It's what I want to do. :)

~Kari

Trigger Foods

Goal set- Eat healthy food that will help me be a stronger triathlete.

Someone brings you a Cinnabon that they bought just.for.you.

You have to eat it.  Right?

I had to eat it.

Up until that point my eating was in check for the day. After the Cinnabon things got ugly- marshmallows, peanut butter on a spoon, "fruit" snacks. UGH!

Did you know that a classic Cinnabon roll has 880 calories? Nope, I didn't either. I inhaled that thing in probably less than 10 minutes. 880 out of 2000 calories in less than 10 minutes. 

Here's the thing... It's not the 880 calories, it's how I felt after eating it. How I CRAVED more and more processed foods after eating it. I've never considered foods to be "trigger" foods for me, but after really thinking about my eating yesterday I realized that I do, indeed, have some triggers. 

But he bought it just.for.me. How can I turn that away?

Goal set- Eat healthy food that will help me be a stronger triathlete.

I *could* have had a few bites and saved the rest to share with the husband later. But I didn't...

Food isn't "bad", but if it causes me to lose track of my goals, then it is "bad" for me at this time in my life.

How do you pass on "special" foods?

~Kari

Recording reboot

It's been a long time since I shared my story with a group of strangers. This week at work I had the opportunity to share a little bit about my transformation and it came as a result of my arm scars. To me they are barely noticeable. I forget about them. 

I shared about my weight loss, my surgery, and that the struggle continues.

After sharing I had several people come up to me privately and share their story. It was an amazing reminder that we all have a story. MANY people struggle with weight loss...gain...food control issues. Struggling with food seems to be such a lonely road, but in reality it's one that many of us have travelled. 

My Fitness Pal (MFP) has been an incredible tool in my never-ending plight to control my portions and calories. I need to go back to a recording system, but am dragging my heels to return to MFP. It works great, but I find myself obsessing over the calories to the point that it became unhealthy. I had my goal range and would either (A) eat even though I wasn't hungry or (B) stop eating even through I was truly hungry in order to meet my goal. I'm a goal oriented girl and I usually meet any goal I set. 

I tried just watching my macros. I can't get enough protein without some sort of powder substitute and I really want to eat real food. Not meeting my macro goals every day led to pretty extreme frustration.

Why can't I eat normal and not be morbidly obese? Not saying I'm morbidly obese at this very moment, but if I continue to just eat what/when/how much I want, then I will be back in that spot again.

What is your goal? Deb asked me that question this week (THANK YOU!) and it really helped to put things in to perspective. My goal is to eat in a way to allows me to perform as a stronger athlete and keeps my body functioning in a healthy manner (blood sugars, cholesterol, all that good stuff). 

Tracking keeps me accountable...I need that accountability.

At this point I'm considering:
- Going back to MFP
- Paper recording in a journal with an actual pencil
- Focusing on Macros and trying to figure out how to get more protein
- taking pictures of what I eat (I HATE this idea, but some people love it!)

Do you record your food? 
Have you found a tool that works well for you? 

~Kari