A letter to my Gym

Dear Gym,

It's time to break up. This is not a decision that I made lightly. It's one that I have struggled with for months. You were bought by a new own in June, but things weren't going right even before the new owners arrived. My kids were already complaining about not liking the kid zone. The steam room was often being "repaired" and my husband missed going in there. Some of my favorite classes were being cancelled. The towel drama. Don't pretend you don't know about the towel drama. You have to admit that things had gotten pretty bad. 

When the new owners arrived, there continued to be changes. My 4:30 classes were cancelled and still have not returned to the schedule. You fired many of my favorite instructors and cut the pay of others. It's your gym and you can do this, but it still stung. I am close to my instructors. We have developed a trust. A bond. I felt like you broke that bond. 

Now I have to ask beg for a towel at the front desk when I arrive. Remember when we use to be able to get towels from the towel counter without having to answer a bunch of questions? Small towel? One or two? I can't handle the towel pressure! It's not really about the towel. It's about respecting me as a member. Either you offer free towel service (as advertised) or you don't, but I hate having to jump through so many hoops to get a towel. 

The rules keep changing in the kid zone. I dare you to bring a snack for your kids to eat, only to be told that they no longer are allowed to eat snacks. What?!?! Major meltdown commencing in 3...2.... When the new owners arrived I heard rumors that they were working on making it more of a family gym. There is 1 (ONE!) kid class and it is offered in the middle of the day. The new check-in system is great, when it works, but I hate that the same parent has to drop-off and pick up. Sometimes I am running late to a class so my husband drops then off. Why, why, why can't I pick them up? The kid zone has become a place of stress for both my kids and myself. 

For my birthday this year you sent me a "skip the gym and be lazy" pass. Really? You want me to be lazy? It told me to do things like stay in bed all day, eat chips, relax in front of the TV. Is that the best for me? Don't you want me to be healthy? Why would you want me to not take care of myself. I'm all about balance, but I have a hard time respecting a gym that encourages laziness- even if it is my birthday. Sorry to tell you, but I wasn't lazy on my birthday. I actually ran a 5k that day with 12 of my friends. I celebrated my birthday by celebrating my health. 

Let's talk about classes..... I am a busy mom. Aren't we all? I am a teacher. My kids have homework. I don't want to take a class from 5:30-6:30. That means that we aren't home for dinner until 7. Back in the day there was always one or two (sometimes three) classes at 4:30. Now there are none. :(  You cancelled the classes that I loved cause they don't fit your "box" format of instruction. You said that in September those classes would be replaced with new amazing classes! Where are the classes? Oh, that's right. The equipment has been ordered. You've known since June that you were adding these classes. I don't want to wait any longer for "new, amazing classes". 

It's your gym. You can offer the classes that you want. Make the rules that you want. That's why I'm leaving. It's no longer my gym. OUR gym. I lost 165 pounds walking in the door of that building. There was a sense of community. Of family. I found a group of friends at my gym that I hope will last a lifetime. I learned to move. I did my first real jumping jack. I raised my risers in step class. I got bendy. I boxed. I did water aerobics. I lifted weights with the big boys. I ran and ran and ran on that treadmill (2nd from the fan in the front row) I trained for a half marathon! My gym family has moved on, and now it is time for my family to move. I'm not leaving you for a fancier model. I think we are actually going to down grade, but I think we are going to regain that sense of community, of family, that has been lacking for a long time. 

~Kari

What I needed

Thank you, thank you, thank you to each of you that sent encouraging words after my last blog post. I wasn't in a good physical or mental space. I was floundering. I was stuck. At the time I didn't know what I needed, but knew that I needed help. There were two very different types of responses to my post. The first was a "tough love" approach. Comments like, "If you know what you need to do, then just do it". Others took a way different approach with comments such as, "How can I help?" or "Look at far come you've come".

After reading everyone's comments I knew what I needed. I needed someone, anyone, to remind me of all that I've accomplished and to offer support. I needed my fitness accomplishments to be acknowledged. It sounds so petty. Maybe it is. I should feel good intrinsically, but I am not there...yet. When someone loses weight, they get a lot of compliments. A LOT! Not a day goes by that someone doesn't tell you how amazing you look or ask you about how much you've lost. Those compliment and questions drove me to keep focused on my health and fitness goals on the days when it was hard. The compliments ended months ago, but I had my 1/2 marathon to train for. People asked weekly about my long run mileage. That drove me. I knew that I would need to report back to someone on Monday morning.

Since my 1/2 marathon I've been having an amazing summer, but it hasn't been focused on my goals. I haven't really had any goals. I've been living! Living is great, but if I continue to eat and exercise like I had been over the past month, I will start to become very limited in my living options. I have some new goals...some old goals renewed...I'm sharing my goals with you. Please, ask me about my goals. 

August Goals:

- Record food 5/7 days a week until my weight is back to my "normal" range. (Goal met this week!)
- Start lifting again using NROLW 3 times a week and do some form of cardio another 3 days a week. (Only 2 times lifting this week, but a girls gotta start somewhere)
- Drink 64 oz of water each day. (SO not met...gotta work on this one)
- Buy a bike! Today my amazing friend Julia took my bike shopping. I wish she would have taken video of me on my "test drive". That could have gone viral! I don't think that I have been on a bike in about 20 years. She said that I looked great. She is a great friend for lying to me like that. :)

Again, thank you SO much for your support. Maintenance can be a very lonely road and it's so nice to know that I have others who totally "get it" when I am so not "getting it".

~Kari

Help!!!!

Excuse me while I attempt to work through this.....


Last week I weighed myself and I was OVER 200 pounds (206 to be exact). I told one person, that's it, just one. I was so embarassed, but I knew that she'd understand. She gets me and my weight loss struggles in ways that few do.


This morning my pants didn't fit. 


Weighed myself today....208. For those of you keeping track,that means that I have gained 13 pounds in a little over a month. EEEEEEKKKKKKK!!!!!!


I didn't write about my gain last week because I was so embarrassed. I am suppose to be an example to others. How do I admit to people that I have failed? That I've gained weight! That I am once again over 200! I have let everyone down. 


I have gotten really (really, really, really) lazy with my eating choices. My workouts have been sub-par. I have been drinking 0 water and way too much soda. Don't ask me when I started drinking pop again, I really couldn't tell you.
My snacking is out of control. I am eating foods that give me know energy and am left wondering why I am starving. 


This entry is titled "Help" and that is what I need, but I just don't know what sort of help I even need. I know what to do- journal my food and stay in my calorie range, revamp my exercise to include lifting back into my routine, drink water.

What do you do when you feel so very defeated, embarrassed, frustrated, disappointed, but know that you are capable of so much more??? 

~Kari

Being Brave

It's been a while. How are you???? Sorry that I haven't written lately, but I've been busy. Doing what? Well, I've been busy being brave.


I've attend a few fitness classes with instructors that I don't know and they don't have any idea how far I've come. Guess what? I was able to work just as hard with an instructor that didn't know me or my story as I am able to work those that have loved me though every pound lost. 

I talked with my chiropractor about some pretty intense hip pain that I am continuing to have. I was brave. I asked for very specific care. He validated my feelings, treated me and I am feeling so much better.Usually I just mention that X is uncomfortable and leave it at that. 


I only ate part of my burger and stopped when I was full. I didn't worry about wasting food or hurting someone's feelings. 


I took my kids to VBS at the church where my husband and I grew up. We left over 10 years ago for good reasons and I was brave enough to take them without fearing awkward conversations. (The best part is that there was not a single person there that knew me!)


I rode a Zip Line at Wild Waves and never once worried about being too heavy to experience the ride. I was TERRIFIED that the rope would break, but not because of my weight. When the ride was over I felt amazing and didn't stop shaking for a good 5 minutes. Later that day I also hopped into an inner tube and went down the water slides like I owned that joint. 


I met up with a running group down by the waterfront and actually ran with them. I wasn't the quickest, but I did hold my own. I don't know that I'll run with them again, but I was brave enough to do it this time. The next time will be that much easier.


I've been thinking about bravery a lot this week. Being obese had as much to do with what I was eating as it was with my inability to be brave. I was scared to ask for what I needed. I was scared to stand up for my needs. I was scared to try new things because of my weight. I'm so thankful that I no longer need to be scared. I can try new things. I can ask for help when I need it. I can try something, fail, and still move on. 

I can be brave!

Exercising while injured

Some things just don't seem fair. Last Sunday I woke up with really bad pain in my upper thigh.The pain radiated into my groin and down the front and side of my leg. It was super intense! Eventually the pain also spread to my low back. My husband and I were about to leave for our 10 year anniversary getaway. I tried to go to Kickboxing that AM and had to leave because the pain was so intense. Many ice packs, a ton of pain medication, 3 days of no exercise later and it was finally starting to feel better. 


Our vacation was wonderful, but not what I had planned. My plans included hikes and early morning runs. Instead we did a lot of sitting on the waterfront and driving around. Thankfully, I was able to let go of my fitness goals and just enjoy the time with my husband. 


We returned from on Tuesday night. No exercise Sun, Mon or Tues. I decided to go to spin class Wednesday morning. Felt great after class! Had a great time in Turbo Kick on Thursday. Felt great after class! Friday afternoon I was trying to figure out how to convince my kids that it would be *fun* to go to the gym and the pain returned. 


I got mad. 
It's not fair. 
I shouldn't hurt. 
I weigh less than I did in middle school. 
I am in the best shape of my life. 
(REALLY! I am!) 


So, I did what many food abusers would do- I ate. I ate a lot. I ate because I couldn't exercise and that made me worry that I'd gain weight. I know that it doesn't make any sense. Why would you eat because you are worried about gaining weight? Why wouldn't you just eat less? I wish I knew. As I was eating way to much, I knew that I was eating out of fear and frustration. That's growth, right? The ability to identify triggers must be worth something. 


The pain kept me up during the night. It's not as bad as last week, but the potential is there for it to get bad again. I had to get out of the house this morning, but instead of my planned 3 mile run I went for a 2 mile walk. I left my Nike app and heart rate monitor at home. No need for equipment to judge me today. 


Based on google, I'm pretty convinced that the pain is radiating from my hip flexor. My massage therapist works weekends and I am going to try to get in to see her. Monday and Tuesday are already jam packed with fun stuff, so it looks like I won't get in to my chiro until Wednesday. My plan is to ask him to do an x-ray if massage therapy doesn't help. 


Gotta get ready for Bug's party at Chuck E Cheese. Here's to a healthy weekend!


~Kari

1/2 Marathon- After the race

Hi! Remember me? I ran a race a few weeks ago. :) I had big plans of a quick 3-part recap and then life got in the way of blogging. Gonna get this done tonight so that I don't forget anything else.
Warning: I feel like I am rambling. Stick with me, there is good stuff- you just have to look for it. 

After the Race

The best investment I made during my 1/2 marathon was paying 5 bucks for some company to text my loved ones as I crossed different parts of the course (when I started, at 3 miles, at 6, around 10 and then when I finished). I'd double hop on the sensors when crossing them to make sure everyone knew where I was in the course. This was especially helpful for my husband because it let him know when I started the race so that he could wake up and head up towards the finish line. My mom had my kids and she was able to follow along 60 miles away from the finish line.

As soon as I crossed the finish line I was given a medal. A real life medal! This one:

After getting my medal, I grabbed my iPhone to call my mommy! The conversation went like this:

Me (bawling the entire time): "Mom, I did it! I really did it!"

Mom: "of course you did and now you never need to do it again"

Can you tell that she was a bit worried about the entire experience? :) I couldn't believe that I had completed a 1/2 marathon! Amazing is the only word that I had. After calling my mom, I somehow made my way to the "finishers area". There were people everywhere handing out fuel. I took a banana and a chocolate milk. It was the best chocolate milk I've ever had. I thought about sitting down, but worried that I'd never get back up again. It was so cool to see so many people finishing that had started around the same time as me. I was normal (as normal as it is to run/walk 13.1 miles for fun!) I wasn't the last girl on the course. I had met my goal! I finished and felt great. 

After eating a banana I called hubby. He was waiting for me at the baggage pick up. He had made it! It means the world to me to know that I was walking towards someone who had loved and supported me through the entire experience. There were so many people! I walked past the medic tent where I saw people with huge bags of ice on their knees. I didn't need that. I had trained. I had prepared. I didn't need ice. I didn't need advil. I just needed a skinny carmel latte! 

Hubby was waiting for me at baggage pick-up. The meeting up was seamless! We got my bag and headed towards Starbucks. He stood in a very long line (apparently I am not the only runner that likes a good latte) and I made my way to the bathroom while wearing my medal. This sweet lady in line at the bathroom saw me waiting and said, "Congratulations on finishing". YES, she gets it! It was all about finishing. I had finished. 

In case you ever wondered- it is very hard to get up from the toilet after moving your body nonstop for nearly 3 hours!

We made our way home. I slept part of the way. My mom had made a great victory dinner for all of us to enjoy. I slept good that night.

The week after my 1/2 was hard. I was sad. School and the 1/2 ended at the same time. I was a bit lost. I lacked direction. I didn't want to run, but my other workouts didn't give me the umph that I got from running. It's almost 3 weeks later and I am still struggling to figure out this post-race, post-school routine. 

Do I do another 1/2? Maybe! Do I starting to think about a full marathon? Nope, not at all! I have no  desire to complete that distance or commit to the training necessary to do it well. 

Mostly I am thinking about doing a triathlon.   I got so bored training for this 1/2 and think I'd really enjoy the training if I was doing multiple sports at once. I swam in high school. I know how to swim, but am not fast and I've NEVER swam in open water. I love spin class. I don't even own a bike. Must get a bike if I am going to do a tri. :) Lots to think about....

I still have a numb big toe from running, but everything else has returned to normal. I'm going to spend the next few weeks focusing on my eating. During training, I could eat whatever I wanted, but I'm finding that my body no longer needs to extra fuel and it's showing up in places that I don't like. THANK YOU so much for the kind messages and support that I've received during training. It meant the world to me and kept me going on those more difficult runs. Here's to the next adventure!

~Kari 

Looking Back

Yes, yes, I know that I owe you a post-race recap, but I wanted to get this out today.


Today is our 10 year wedding anniversary. 10 years! If we were dogs that would mean that we've been married for 70 years. Over the past 10 years my husband and I have bought a house, had 2 amazing kids, each lost a parent and changed jobs more times that I can count. He has stuck by my side during the ugly times when I am not the easiest person to be around. He has worked nights for the past 7 years so that we could keep our kids out of daycare. He has allowed me to purchase every fitness item that I've neeeeeded along the way. He loved me when I was at my heaviest and continues to support me with my current fitness goals. I posted earlier today on Facebook that he's not perfect, but that he is perfect for me. 


Earlier today we watch our wedding video. 
I looked like this on my wedding day:

This picture makes me sad. It was not a sad day. I felt beautiful during my wedding, but the truth is that I was so unhealthy and had no idea how good I *could* feel with different lifestyle choices. Watching the video today made me cry. I was SO big. What you don't see in this pictures are my arms. They were everywhere in the video, but in none of my photos. I spent most of today being sad about my wedding pictures, but them my hubby (the amazing one that I talked about earlier) pointed out that instead of feeling sad, that I should feel proud of all that I've accomplished. 

Here I am today:

Excuse the fact that I am a hot mess. I just got home from the gym. :) 

I so don't have this whole weight loss thing figured out, but one thing that I know for sure is that I can't go back to being that first girl. I was beautiful on my wedding day, but I was also unhealthy and tired. I lacked the energy to do basic tasks. My life revolved around food. Everything hurt. Over the past few years I have figured out one thing for sure- I choose who I want to be.

What about you? Who do you choose to be?????