Too Hard

Came home from my run today... 

Defeated.

This is too damn hard. 

Period.

Eating "right". Correct portion sizes. Measuring. Having to always think about my food. Not eating my emotions. Planning for success. Drinking water. Eating until I'm full. 

Too hard. 

I tried to look back today and see when I started gaining weight. It was after my first half marathon. That was nearly 2 years ago. For 2 years I have been trying to recover.

I'm tired of being on a recovery mission.

(Full disclosure- I ate a bag of potato chips while writing this!)

You know what else is hard? Trying to maintain my level of fitness in my ever expanding body. It's bad. It's really bad. And YET, it's not so bad that I'm stopping myself. 

Nothing fits. Even my sweats. 

I read old posts. I miss that girl. I miss the one that was so excited about a smaller size or finding a new vegetable to try at the store. 

I've failed. Completely. It sucks.

I hate how I feel. 

I hate how I look in the mirror. 

I hate that my super cute short skirt doesn't fit and it's almost short skirt season.

I'm tired. 

I need to either quit, resign to my fate of always ultimately being the "big girl" or get a serious recharge to get out of this slump.

~Kari