Sunday, December 30, 2012

They Don't Remember

My kids don't remember their fat mommy. They don't remember the mommy that wouldn't go for bike rides because she was tired. Or the one that allowed them to eat fast food 3-4 nights a week. Not even the one that couldn't fit into the rides at the amusement park. 

A few things happened yesterday to help remind me of how very far I've come.....

On a bike ride...

Me: Why do you keep stopping at every block?
Sissy: I'm tired and need to rest.
Me: It's only a block. Let's try and do two blocks without stopping.
Sissy: It's easy for you. You ran a marathon. (It's was only a half....)
Me: Honey, I didn't start out running 1/2 marathons. I started out running a block and then two blocks.
Sissy: (obnoxious eye roll that I HATE) Fine. I'll go two blocks and then rest.

Well, she went 5 blocks and the rested. She was so proud of herself and so was I! We had a great talk about setting goals. She doesn't remember where I started! I'm just her mommy that runs marathons.

At the amusement park.....

Bug: Mommy go on this train with me. (Train= super small ride the parents can only go in one larger section, not meant for adults at all!)
Me: Mommy is too big. You go and I'll watch. 
Bug: BUT His mommy is going.
Me: Ok

I had taken Bug on that same ride 3 years ago. I didn't fit. The seat belt didn't fit. The ride attendant took pity on me and looked the other way. Bug was too young to know what was happening. Last night I fit. The seat belt fit. Was I too big for that ride? Yep! BUT "his mommy" was going and so was I. He doesn't remember where I started! I'm just his mommy that goes on any ride she wants. 

I've gained some weight and that has been hard. My kids don't remember where I started, but I think it's really good for me to remember. The worlds that are open to me know at 206 pounds (back on my way down to 193) are not the same worlds that I could access at 356 pounds. It's good for me to remember. It's good that they don't remember!


Friday, December 28, 2012

Ahhhh vacation

You often hear people say that the best part of teaching is winter and summer vacation. I wouldn't say that those are the *only* great parts of teaching, but they are pretty stinking awesome! 12 days of no work makes for one happy Kari. My days have been filled with playing with the kids, digging out from under major clutter, spending days with friends and family, and, of course, working out. 

One of the BEST things about vacation, for me, is not having to worry about squeezing in my workouts. Often you hear saying like, "It's only 1/24th of your day" or "Everyone has 30 minutes to spare". Usually my workouts are 45 min to an hour, but that's not all. There is the 15 minutes to drive to the gym (30 minutes there and back), the shower that is required EVERY single day because EVERY single day I smell like a locker room (15 minutes), convincing the kids that it would be fun to go to the gym or watch a movie so that mommy can work out at home (15-30 minutes). This adds up! On normal work day my 45-60 minute workout takes between 2 and 3 hours. Then it's dinner, homework, baths, and bed. It's totally worth it, but working out does take up more of my evening or requires me to get up before the chickens to get it done before work. 

It's 11:30 AM and we are all still in our jammies. The kids have both build tents in their bedrooms. One is called Club Tent and the other is Club Super Tent. They have rules that include: no touching my toys, no rock music (this ones for Daddy), and you have to get a hand stamp to come back later. We all have hand stamps for both clubs. I've run two loads of dishes, have cleaned above the fridge (YUCK!), and am loading up stuff to take to Goodwill. It's been a productive morning and I didn't even need to get dressed. This afternoon we will run by Goodwill, the bike shop (I have these quick release brakes that we a breeze to release and now I can't get them reattached! GRRRRR) and then off to the gym for a lifting session. 

I love my job. I love helping kids. I love working with teachers. 
I love Christmas vacation. :)


Monday, December 24, 2012

A quickie + home exercise option

Merry Christmas!!!! It's Christmas Eve (not techniclaly since eve implies evening, but you get my drift) and I'm getting ready to head to the gym. No, I'm not one of those crazy fitness fanatics that is totally addicted to exercise. I have learned over the past 3.5 years (!!!!) of weight loss/management that I am a better everything when I take 30-60 minutes to move my body in ways that are out of my "normal". The gym and kid area open at 8. I'll be the crazy lady at the door waiting for them to unlock the door. It's Monday. I lift on Monday's. :) 

It looks like I forgot to post my weigh in last Wednesday. 

Current weight: 206.1
Maintenance weight: 193

I'm getting back. I should be back into maintenance by Valentine's day. There will be no weigh in this week. Come on, give the girl some slack!

If you can't get to the gym today, but are looking for a great workout, I wanted to share with you Kelly's video. It's a great 30 minute HITT workout that you can do at home with 0 equipment. There are a few exercise that I might grab my dumbbells for the next go around, but I was able to burn quite a few calories just using my body weight. One of the things that I adore about Kelly is that she is super committed to seeing the people that take her class succeed. She made this video for us because the club will be closed tomorrow and we can't come for class. Watch out for those trench crawls. I have some pretty ugly rug burns on my arms this morning. If possible, find a smooth area to lay down your yoga mat for that part OR opt for the up/downs option that she gives. You'll do each exercise for 50 sec with a 10 sec rest. 

Let me know if you try it. I'd love to hear what you think! I did it yesterday while hubby, Sissy, and Bug were laying in MY bed cheering me on. :)

Love on your family. Have one dessert instead of two. Fill half of your plate with veggies. Make choices that will matter long after the smell of mashed potatoes has left the building. 


Monday, December 17, 2012

What's the smell?

Secrets to a really stinky workout....

Step 1: Decide that you would rather work out at home than the gym.

This step is really important because it ensures that your kids will be able to interrupt you every few minutes with questions like:
~ Can I have some milk?
~ Sissy won't leave me alone.
~ Sissy won't play with me.
~ What time is dinner?

Step 2: Have no plan

You know that whole saying about "failing to plan and planning to fail"? It's so so so true. Walking around your house looking for exercise motivation really isn't a plan. You probably have a million workout DVD's. Don't pick the DVD (that you can't find because it's in the wrong case) until after you have already warmed up. It's really important that you cool down after your warm up before starting the DVD.

Step 3: Only have half of your equipment (see #2)

8 pound weights for everything? Sure, why not?! Of course you can lunge the same weight that you use for arm raises. Weight is weight, right?

Step 4: Quit early out of boredom (see #2), frustration (see #3), and because you are tired of listening to the kids (see #1)

Is it possible to have a great workout at home? ABSOLUTELY! Does it require a bit of planning and dedication? YES!

How was your workout today?


Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Wednesday Weigh-in

It's Wednesday. 
I weighed myself. 
Truthfully, I weigh myself every morning (I know, I know). 

Current weight: 207.4
Maintenance weight: 193

Down another 1.2 pounds! Considering that I had Olive Garden list night and some pretty strong PMS symptoms, that's not too shabby.

I wish that I had more time to blog. My days (everyone's days!) are too busy. For today, you'll have to settle for a list of what's going well....

- I am recording and feeling good about where I'm at with my choices.
- I am in LOVE with my treadmill. I have discovered Netflix while running and it really does help pass the time. I miss running outside, but for now this will have to do.
- We went to Olive Garden last night and I was able to keep my meal under 700 calories (lasagna with chicken off the light menu, one breadstick, and a bowl of zuppa toscana). 
- Workouts are continuing to challenge me, but there is growth.
- My jeans, that had become too tight, are fitting comfortably and probably need me to pull back out the belts. 

What's working well for you right now? 


Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Annnnddddd she's back!

Guess who lost two pounds this week?!??!! Me!!!!!!

Current weight: 208.6
Maintenance weight: 193

I'm back on my way down...... :)

Other success today:
- I confronted someone when they were unkind to me. I hate confrontation, but it actually worked out.
-  I didn't eat my way through a bag of chips even though I was frustrated with a flat tire.
- I got up early to work out because I knew my afternoon was swamped.
- I passed on pizza 3 different times today. We are having pizza tomorrow night for dinner.

It's all gonna be ok.....


Wednesday, November 28, 2012

I could be angry.....

but I'm not!

Current weight: 210.6 
Maintenance weight: 193

I lost a 1/10 of a pound. A freaking tenth! Nothing in the world to write home about. Guess what? I didn't gain. For week, and weeks, and weeks I've gained. This week I didn't gain. I survived Thanksgiving AND a night our for pizza and didn't gain. 

Some exciting things are happening with my body and I kind of like it. I have been lifting weights for around a month again and am starting to notice results. I am getting that bump back at the top of my shoulder that I LOVE. I tried a new routine tonight and wasn't scared to go for the big weights, even though it meant that I was totally burnt out at 5 instead of the 10 reps that the program suggested. 

Hubby and I both bought fitness gifts for each other for Christmas. He got a new bike. He even rode it home from the shop. I was SO proud of him. It was a hilly ride and he hadn't been on a bike in 20+ years. What did I get? A brand spankin new treadmill. It has a fan, a place to plug in my ipod, and has a super steep incline when I really want to work these legs. Last night I was able to go for a test run and I loved it. Afterwards Sissy even got on and went for a walk. 

Recording went ok this week. I recorded 5 out of 7 days. I want to be in a place where I no longer need to record. I'm just not there....yet. That day will come and you'll be the first to know about it.

There you have it! I recorded more days than not, I met my exercise goals for the week, and yet I only lost a 1/10th of a pound. My body is changing. My life if changing. My fitness level is changing.Exciting things are on my horizon.

I could be angry, but I'm not. :)


Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Wednesday Weigh-in

Maintenance weight: 192
Current Weight: 210.7

There, I said it. I put it out there. I have gained 18 pounds and the world didn't end. It's funny, I use to hate that 192 because I just couldn't bust through it. Now I long for that number. I'll get back there! I have the tools. It's will be ok.

At this point I am looking more at lessons learned, than regrets:

~ During my 1/2 marathon training I could eat anything and not gain wait. Duh! I was burning close to 4,000 calories a week and my over used muscles were always looking for fuel. I can't eat anything and not gain weight if I am not doing the work to use up that fuel. Big shock, I know.

~ I need to ask for help when I am spiraling. I lashed out at hubby several times for stupid things. The real issue was that my clothes didn't fit and I was frustrated. Eventually we did have a good talk about how he had stopped buying fruits and veggies at the store and that I just didn't have time to do extra shopping. He solved the problem. I had to be honest about the issue. 

~ Exercise is harder with an extra 18 pounds. My runs have really suffered. I don't like that. 

Back to doing what I know to do....record...exercise...drink water ... rest ... repeat. :)


Tuesday, November 20, 2012

How are you?

Do you follow Dawn? You should! She's amazing. Her weight loss is amazing, but more than that is her desire to see others be successful. I haven't blogged in a while and she emailed to check on me. My answer is below. She encouraged me to blog it out, but the words fail me when I sit down to blog....

I'm doing horribly. How are you? :) 

Ok, so not horribly, but I am gaining weight at a horrible rate. I am close to 20 pounds over my 1/2 marathon weight and I hate it. As much as I hate it, I can't seem to stop. I KNOW (!!!!!!!) what to do, but just can't seem to bring myself to do it. I guess that that's why I haven't been blogging. No one wants to read all about how poor Kari can't seem to get it together. Ugh! 

My workouts were horrible for weeks. Just this week I was able to get those back into check. I have gone back to lifting 3X a week. I love feeling strong. The other 3 days are some sort of cardio. This week I took an extra rest day (Today) just because it felt good. Working out is easy. I like how I feel when I get all sweaty and my HR monitor tells me that I've done enough. Food is, and probably always will be, the issue. I feel better when I eat better, but when I see those amazing sweets that seem to be everywhere lately I can't seem to remember how much better eating healthy feels. 

How am I? I'm stuck and can't pull it together. I feel alone. I feel like I've failed. I am scared that tomorrow I will wake up and be 356 pounds again. That terrifies me. I know that if I went back to recording that my body would respond quickly and that I could be back to "normal" in 8-10 weeks, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I'm tired or recording. I'm tired of not being able to eat like other people. I'm tired of food always being so hard. 

It felt so good to just get it out there. To tell someone, anyone, that I was not in a good place. I don't know my weight today. I plan on going back to Wednesday Weigh-ins. Wednesday seemed to be the best day in the past. I recorded yesterday on My Fitness Pal. It felt good to record. I passed up cookies (TWICE) yesterday. Today, I feel better. Being honest with someone really did help. 

So, that's where I'm at. I'm struggling, but I can recover. 


Thursday, November 1, 2012

A blast from the past

When I first started blogging, I blogged over at SparkPeople. I LOVE LOVE LOVE SparkPeople. If it was easier to blog over there I'd still be doing it. Someone asked me today about how I first started losing weight. (My favorite topic BTW!).

I started looking through my initial blogs. I teared up reading about how excited I was that I had bought a size 18 dress. I marvel at my 100 pounds lost pictures. I had no idea how much further I was going to go.

Here's a post that really helps to explain how I got started....


Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Last week someone asked me how I ever got "THAT big". Now, there is probably a nicer way to ask that question, but it is a fair question that I am going to attempt to answer. The teacher in me wants to make a T-chart, but I am going to have to settle for a Then: and Now: format. At my heaviest I was (big gulp) 356 pounds. I am now around 218 and steadily moving down to my goal of no longer obese, but rather being overweight at 208. :) Ok, here is how I got to be "THAT big":

Then: When I would go grocery shopping I would always buy a candy bar (or 2) in the checkout line to eat before I got home.
Now: If I am really that hungry that I can't wait or I am not going home right away I'll pick up a piece of fruit or container of yogurt while shopping.

Then: I'd drink 2-3 cans of coke a day and a white chocolate mocha. (That's a pound a week by the way....)
Now: I do have a diet pop a day (still working on this one), but have limited all of my drinks to low cal or no cal. I have fallen in love with a Grande Skinny Carmel latte (saving 250 calories a drink!)

Then: I payed no attention to portion sizes or nutritional needs.
Now: I eat within my healthy range almost every day and try really hard to balance my fiber, protein, carbs, etc.

Then: Exercise was a 4 letter word. If I did go to the gym my effort was minimal as I didn't think I could do what everyone else was doing.
Now: I exercise 5 or 6 days a week. I have become a RUNNER! Go figure!

Then: When I was sad, bored, or happy I'd eat.
Now: Food is fuel. I work hard to check my emotions when I am "hungry" and make sure I am eating because I am really hungry.

Then: I tried to hide my weight loss struggles or pass them off as a non-issue.
Now: I am honest and open about my health. I talk all the time about my success and struggles. I have found that EVERYONE (even the skinny people!) struggles and want to support me in my efforts.

Then: Everyone and everything else was more important than my own health and wellness.
Now: Because everyone is so important to me I must make the time each day to take care of my body through proper nutrition and exercise.

Whew! That's a pretty good summary of how I got to be "THAT big". I am sharing this list to answer that question. It is also to a reminder to myself about the unhealthy habits that caused me to be "THAT big". 

Tuesday, October 30, 2012


Excuse the mess while I process....

Food is everywhere! Did you know that? :) 

During the holidays (which have already started around the office) it seems like I can't avoid uncomfortable food situations. My will power is at just about none. It seems like all I've been writing (thinking, talking, obsessing) about is my desire to regain control over my food. My clothes are really uncomfortable and I refuse (REFUSE! REFUSE! REFUSE!) to buy a larger size. 

I've started recording again....several times...just starting. I don't want to record. I don't want to be stressed out because I am close to being over my calories. I don't want to eat just to eat so that I have enough calories. I want to find this magical place where I eat because I am hungry, crave healthy foods, and stop when I am full. Am I chasing something that doesn't exist? Can it exist for others and not for me? 

I ordered a subscription to Clean Eating magazine. I am intrigued with clean eating. Don't worry! I'm not going to become some crazy foodie who only eats orange on Monday's or drinks shakes while hanging upside down in my bathroom.

It's just food. Why, why, why is it so hard? 


Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Let's Play: Family Circuit

Sissy: I want to go to Gym A.
Bug: I want to go to Gym B.
Sissy: I want to go for a bike ride.
Bug: I want to play Kinect.
Mommy: I just want to work out. 

Solution????? Our very own home circuit! :) 

I wasn't terribly excited about going to the gym tonight. I really, really, really wanted to go for a run, but couldn't convince both kids that riding bikes while I ran was a great idea. I knew that I needed to sweat and breathe heavy for at least 30 minutes- enter family super circuit.

The kids helped me make up the stations based on "moves" they do in PE. Our stations were: hot step (stepping up and down on a stool), jacks and jills (jumping jacks), side to sides (ski moguls), pike-push up- pike (hindu pushups), up the mountain (mountain climbers), and (to make Bug happy) there was even a Kinect Fitness station. Thank you Mr. C for teaching my kids real exercises in PE and not just playing dodge ball all day! 

We made our signs. Sissy placed them all over the living room and dining room. I set my Gymboss for 90 seconds work and 30 seconds rest. For our warm-up I walked them to each station and we practiced our moves. Everyone picked a number to start at and we were off.

Bug started with ski mogules. I wish I had my camera on hand because those were SO cute. Sissy started with Kinect and I started with jumping jacks. Half way through the first exercise everyone was breathing heavy and having fun. The kids really stuck it out! We ended up doing the circuit 2 times for a total of 32 minutes (including warm-up, cool down, and mid circuit water break). Don't think that is was all smiles during our circuit. There were some tears (she's in my spot, he's not doing it right, how many more seconds?), but we got through it. 

Was it the best workout ever? No. Did I sweat? YES! Did I burn some calories? YES (293 to be exact...). Sometimes this fitness journey is more about being creative with how we fit in exercise and preparing ahead of time for healthy eating than it is about always being the best.


Saturday, October 20, 2012

If the dress fits

A good friend of mine is getting married soon and I get to be her maid matron head chick!!!! She was kind enough to invite her bridesmaids along to pick out the dress. She's cool like that. :)

Trying out clothing for anyone but my mom felt a little weird. She had several styles picked out and we all got to try on the dresses. Here's where all my "issues" come leaping back into the picture. The other ladies there were on the smaller side (in both width and height). It's not their fault. They don't starve themselves to look that way. I doubt that they spend more time than me working out. That's just their body type. My body type is not that way. I think that I could not eat from now until the wedding and still not be a size 2. It's not anyone's "fault". It's just the way I'm made. 

The dress that she picked out is beautiful. I am sure that we will all look stunning on her special day. Not that it really matters cause all eyes will be on her. Did I mention that the dress is short? I often receive compliments on my legs. Some would call them muscular. I call them thick. I am all legs in this dress.....thick, full legs. Feeling uncomfortable does not begin to describe how I felt trying on dresses today. I'm not the girl that gets short, cute, fitted dresses. I am the girl in the long, baggy dress in the back. 

Whenever I think that I am "over" my body image issues they come raging back with even more gusto than before. I long for the day when I can look in the mirror and no longer see the obese teenager that couldn't find a dress that would fit for the prom,  the bride that had to order her wedding dress online because none of the stores carried dresses in her size, or the pregnant mom who couldn't buy maternity clothes cause they were too small. 

The day wasn't a total loss. I, too fat for maternity clothes Kari, walked into a bridal store today, tried on, and bought a size 14 bridesmaid dress. 3 years ago I wouldn't have fit into their largest size (26 if you are wondering....). I am, and will probably always be, a work in progress when it comes to food and how I view my body. I'm getting excited to wear my dress....cute shoes....flat ironed hair...some pretty earrings....standing next to my friend of 20 plus years and watching her marry her Prince Charming. It will be fun and no one will care about my chunky legs. Time to focus on the things that really matter!


Friday, October 19, 2012

I shaved my legs today

Life is busy, busy. busy. I did accomplish one major goal- I shaved my legs. :)  EVERY SINGLE TIME I shave my legs I get a little bit giddy. Shaving your legs when you are obese is just plain hard. There are a lot of things that are hard when you are obese. Today I was reminded once again how far I've come.

My workout have been so-so lately. I did get up at 4:50 this AM to go to a Body Pump class at my soon to be former gym. Class was great. I knew it would be. It made me sad cause my new gym offers nothing like Body Pump. I kept reminding myself that I am able to push myself even harder than any Body Pump instructor could and that I can do it on my own time schedule (which does not include 5:30 workouts on a regular basis!).

I haven't posted in forever because there really hasn't been anything to report. Eating is starting to get really hard with the cooler temps and holiday treats that are already starting to surface.

Disney was AMAZING! I did all the things that I wanted to do and didn't know that I wanted to do. :) At Legoland there were some rides that had weight limits. I was well below any of the limits. THAT made me feel like a rock star. I leave you with a few pics...

Monday, October 1, 2012


A while ago (months maybe even), I banned my scale. When people would ask about my weight, I'd tell them that my pants still fit so it must be ok. Today my pants still fit, but they were very uncomfortable. I can't remember the last time my clothes didn't fit. I don't like this feeling. My skin pulls on my incisions and I have these occasional freak outs that I am stretching out all of the skin that was made darn near perfect through surgery and hard work!

I know EXACTLY what to do to get back to that comfortable place, but a very exciting vacation is standing in my way.....sort of.  On Wednesday we are leaving for Disneyland. None of us have ever gone and we are all excited beyond belief. While at Disney it would be very difficult to track my food and record my exercise. There are some things that I can do while we are gone to help stay on track. We will be getting plenty of exercise just walking around the different parks. On the days that we don't go to a park, my goal is to do some sort of activity (swimming in pool, visiting gym at condo, etc). We will eat most of our meals at the condo. I will stock our fridge with healthy options. I will keep a water bottle in my backpack no matter where we go.

I refuse to weigh in the next two days. Knowing how much I need to lose will not keep me motivated or make the weight melt off.

I am going to Disneyland. I will fit on the rides. I will be able to walk all day. I will fit on the plane seat without a seat belt extender. I will life-long memories with my kids.

When I get back, it is back to My Fitness Pal. For the next week it's about enjoying my amazing family and the body that I have worked so very hard to achieve.
I haven't "ruined" anything. I've gotten off track, but that's the best part- I can get right back on.

~ Kari

Friday, September 21, 2012

A letter to my Gym

Dear Gym,

It's time to break up. This is not a decision that I made lightly. It's one that I have struggled with for months. You were bought by a new own in June, but things weren't going right even before the new owners arrived. My kids were already complaining about not liking the kid zone. The steam room was often being "repaired" and my husband missed going in there. Some of my favorite classes were being cancelled. The towel drama. Don't pretend you don't know about the towel drama. You have to admit that things had gotten pretty bad. 

When the new owners arrived, there continued to be changes. My 4:30 classes were cancelled and still have not returned to the schedule. You fired many of my favorite instructors and cut the pay of others. It's your gym and you can do this, but it still stung. I am close to my instructors. We have developed a trust. A bond. I felt like you broke that bond. 

Now I have to ask beg for a towel at the front desk when I arrive. Remember when we use to be able to get towels from the towel counter without having to answer a bunch of questions? Small towel? One or two? I can't handle the towel pressure! It's not really about the towel. It's about respecting me as a member. Either you offer free towel service (as advertised) or you don't, but I hate having to jump through so many hoops to get a towel. 

The rules keep changing in the kid zone. I dare you to bring a snack for your kids to eat, only to be told that they no longer are allowed to eat snacks. What?!?! Major meltdown commencing in 3...2.... When the new owners arrived I heard rumors that they were working on making it more of a family gym. There is 1 (ONE!) kid class and it is offered in the middle of the day. The new check-in system is great, when it works, but I hate that the same parent has to drop-off and pick up. Sometimes I am running late to a class so my husband drops then off. Why, why, why can't I pick them up? The kid zone has become a place of stress for both my kids and myself. 

For my birthday this year you sent me a "skip the gym and be lazy" pass. Really? You want me to be lazy? It told me to do things like stay in bed all day, eat chips, relax in front of the TV. Is that the best for me? Don't you want me to be healthy? Why would you want me to not take care of myself. I'm all about balance, but I have a hard time respecting a gym that encourages laziness- even if it is my birthday. Sorry to tell you, but I wasn't lazy on my birthday. I actually ran a 5k that day with 12 of my friends. I celebrated my birthday by celebrating my health. 

Let's talk about classes..... I am a busy mom. Aren't we all? I am a teacher. My kids have homework. I don't want to take a class from 5:30-6:30. That means that we aren't home for dinner until 7. Back in the day there was always one or two (sometimes three) classes at 4:30. Now there are none. :(  You cancelled the classes that I loved cause they don't fit your "box" format of instruction. You said that in September those classes would be replaced with new amazing classes! Where are the classes? Oh, that's right. The equipment has been ordered. You've known since June that you were adding these classes. I don't want to wait any longer for "new, amazing classes". 

It's your gym. You can offer the classes that you want. Make the rules that you want. That's why I'm leaving. It's no longer my gym. OUR gym. I lost 165 pounds walking in the door of that building. There was a sense of community. Of family. I found a group of friends at my gym that I hope will last a lifetime. I learned to move. I did my first real jumping jack. I raised my risers in step class. I got bendy. I boxed. I did water aerobics. I lifted weights with the big boys. I ran and ran and ran on that treadmill (2nd from the fan in the front row) I trained for a half marathon! My gym family has moved on, and now it is time for my family to move. I'm not leaving you for a fancier model. I think we are actually going to down grade, but I think we are going to regain that sense of community, of family, that has been lacking for a long time. 


Sunday, August 12, 2012

What I needed

Thank you, thank you, thank you to each of you that sent encouraging words after my last blog post. I wasn't in a good physical or mental space. I was floundering. I was stuck. At the time I didn't know what I needed, but knew that I needed help. There were two very different types of responses to my post. The first was a "tough love" approach. Comments like, "If you know what you need to do, then just do it". Others took a way different approach with comments such as, "How can I help?" or "Look at far come you've come".

After reading everyone's comments I knew what I needed. I needed someone, anyone, to remind me of all that I've accomplished and to offer support. I needed my fitness accomplishments to be acknowledged. It sounds so petty. Maybe it is. I should feel good intrinsically, but I am not there...yet. When someone loses weight, they get a lot of compliments. A LOT! Not a day goes by that someone doesn't tell you how amazing you look or ask you about how much you've lost. Those compliment and questions drove me to keep focused on my health and fitness goals on the days when it was hard. The compliments ended months ago, but I had my 1/2 marathon to train for. People asked weekly about my long run mileage. That drove me. I knew that I would need to report back to someone on Monday morning.

Since my 1/2 marathon I've been having an amazing summer, but it hasn't been focused on my goals. I haven't really had any goals. I've been living! Living is great, but if I continue to eat and exercise like I had been over the past month, I will start to become very limited in my living options. I have some new goals...some old goals renewed...I'm sharing my goals with you. Please, ask me about my goals. 

August Goals:

- Record food 5/7 days a week until my weight is back to my "normal" range. (Goal met this week!)
- Start lifting again using NROLW 3 times a week and do some form of cardio another 3 days a week. (Only 2 times lifting this week, but a girls gotta start somewhere)
- Drink 64 oz of water each day. (SO not met...gotta work on this one)
- Buy a bike! Today my amazing friend Julia took my bike shopping. I wish she would have taken video of me on my "test drive". That could have gone viral! I don't think that I have been on a bike in about 20 years. She said that I looked great. She is a great friend for lying to me like that. :)

Again, thank you SO much for your support. Maintenance can be a very lonely road and it's so nice to know that I have others who totally "get it" when I am so not "getting it".


Friday, August 3, 2012


Excuse me while I attempt to work through this.....

Last week I weighed myself and I was OVER 200 pounds (206 to be exact). I told one person, that's it, just one. I was so embarassed, but I knew that she'd understand. She gets me and my weight loss struggles in ways that few do.

This morning my pants didn't fit. 

Weighed myself today....208. For those of you keeping track,that means that I have gained 13 pounds in a little over a month. EEEEEEKKKKKKK!!!!!!

I didn't write about my gain last week because I was so embarrassed. I am suppose to be an example to others. How do I admit to people that I have failed? That I've gained weight! That I am once again over 200! I have let everyone down. 

I have gotten really (really, really, really) lazy with my eating choices. My workouts have been sub-par. I have been drinking 0 water and way too much soda. Don't ask me when I started drinking pop again, I really couldn't tell you.
My snacking is out of control. I am eating foods that give me know energy and am left wondering why I am starving. 

This entry is titled "Help" and that is what I need, but I just don't know what sort of help I even need. I know what to do- journal my food and stay in my calorie range, revamp my exercise to include lifting back into my routine, drink water.

What do you do when you feel so very defeated, embarrassed, frustrated, disappointed, but know that you are capable of so much more??? 


Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Being Brave

It's been a while. How are you???? Sorry that I haven't written lately, but I've been busy. Doing what? Well, I've been busy being brave.

I've attend a few fitness classes with instructors that I don't know and they don't have any idea how far I've come. Guess what? I was able to work just as hard with an instructor that didn't know me or my story as I am able to work those that have loved me though every pound lost. 

I talked with my chiropractor about some pretty intense hip pain that I am continuing to have. I was brave. I asked for very specific care. He validated my feelings, treated me and I am feeling so much better.Usually I just mention that X is uncomfortable and leave it at that. 

I only ate part of my burger and stopped when I was full. I didn't worry about wasting food or hurting someone's feelings. 

I took my kids to VBS at the church where my husband and I grew up. We left over 10 years ago for good reasons and I was brave enough to take them without fearing awkward conversations. (The best part is that there was not a single person there that knew me!)

I rode a Zip Line at Wild Waves and never once worried about being too heavy to experience the ride. I was TERRIFIED that the rope would break, but not because of my weight. When the ride was over I felt amazing and didn't stop shaking for a good 5 minutes. Later that day I also hopped into an inner tube and went down the water slides like I owned that joint. 

I met up with a running group down by the waterfront and actually ran with them. I wasn't the quickest, but I did hold my own. I don't know that I'll run with them again, but I was brave enough to do it this time. The next time will be that much easier.

I've been thinking about bravery a lot this week. Being obese had as much to do with what I was eating as it was with my inability to be brave. I was scared to ask for what I needed. I was scared to stand up for my needs. I was scared to try new things because of my weight. I'm so thankful that I no longer need to be scared. I can try new things. I can ask for help when I need it. I can try something, fail, and still move on. 

I can be brave!

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Exercising while injured

Some things just don't seem fair. Last Sunday I woke up with really bad pain in my upper thigh.The pain radiated into my groin and down the front and side of my leg. It was super intense! Eventually the pain also spread to my low back. My husband and I were about to leave for our 10 year anniversary getaway. I tried to go to Kickboxing that AM and had to leave because the pain was so intense. Many ice packs, a ton of pain medication, 3 days of no exercise later and it was finally starting to feel better. 

Our vacation was wonderful, but not what I had planned. My plans included hikes and early morning runs. Instead we did a lot of sitting on the waterfront and driving around. Thankfully, I was able to let go of my fitness goals and just enjoy the time with my husband. 

We returned from on Tuesday night. No exercise Sun, Mon or Tues. I decided to go to spin class Wednesday morning. Felt great after class! Had a great time in Turbo Kick on Thursday. Felt great after class! Friday afternoon I was trying to figure out how to convince my kids that it would be *fun* to go to the gym and the pain returned. 

I got mad. 
It's not fair. 
I shouldn't hurt. 
I weigh less than I did in middle school. 
I am in the best shape of my life. 
(REALLY! I am!) 

So, I did what many food abusers would do- I ate. I ate a lot. I ate because I couldn't exercise and that made me worry that I'd gain weight. I know that it doesn't make any sense. Why would you eat because you are worried about gaining weight? Why wouldn't you just eat less? I wish I knew. As I was eating way to much, I knew that I was eating out of fear and frustration. That's growth, right? The ability to identify triggers must be worth something. 

The pain kept me up during the night. It's not as bad as last week, but the potential is there for it to get bad again. I had to get out of the house this morning, but instead of my planned 3 mile run I went for a 2 mile walk. I left my Nike app and heart rate monitor at home. No need for equipment to judge me today. 

Based on google, I'm pretty convinced that the pain is radiating from my hip flexor. My massage therapist works weekends and I am going to try to get in to see her. Monday and Tuesday are already jam packed with fun stuff, so it looks like I won't get in to my chiro until Wednesday. My plan is to ask him to do an x-ray if massage therapy doesn't help. 

Gotta get ready for Bug's party at Chuck E Cheese. Here's to a healthy weekend!


Tuesday, July 10, 2012

1/2 Marathon- After the race

Hi! Remember me? I ran a race a few weeks ago. :) I had big plans of a quick 3-part recap and then life got in the way of blogging. Gonna get this done tonight so that I don't forget anything else.
Warning: I feel like I am rambling. Stick with me, there is good stuff- you just have to look for it. 

After the Race

The best investment I made during my 1/2 marathon was paying 5 bucks for some company to text my loved ones as I crossed different parts of the course (when I started, at 3 miles, at 6, around 10 and then when I finished). I'd double hop on the sensors when crossing them to make sure everyone knew where I was in the course. This was especially helpful for my husband because it let him know when I started the race so that he could wake up and head up towards the finish line. My mom had my kids and she was able to follow along 60 miles away from the finish line.

As soon as I crossed the finish line I was given a medal. A real life medal! This one:

After getting my medal, I grabbed my iPhone to call my mommy! The conversation went like this:

Me (bawling the entire time): "Mom, I did it! I really did it!"
Mom: "of course you did and now you never need to do it again"

Can you tell that she was a bit worried about the entire experience? :) I couldn't believe that I had completed a 1/2 marathon! Amazing is the only word that I had. After calling my mom, I somehow made my way to the "finishers area". There were people everywhere handing out fuel. I took a banana and a chocolate milk. It was the best chocolate milk I've ever had. I thought about sitting down, but worried that I'd never get back up again. It was so cool to see so many people finishing that had started around the same time as me. I was normal (as normal as it is to run/walk 13.1 miles for fun!) I wasn't the last girl on the course. I had met my goal! I finished and felt great. 

After eating a banana I called hubby. He was waiting for me at the baggage pick up. He had made it! It means the world to me to know that I was walking towards someone who had loved and supported me through the entire experience. There were so many people! I walked past the medic tent where I saw people with huge bags of ice on their knees. I didn't need that. I had trained. I had prepared. I didn't need ice. I didn't need advil. I just needed a skinny carmel latte! 

Hubby was waiting for me at baggage pick-up. The meeting up was seamless! We got my bag and headed towards Starbucks. He stood in a very long line (apparently I am not the only runner that likes a good latte) and I made my way to the bathroom while wearing my medal. This sweet lady in line at the bathroom saw me waiting and said, "Congratulations on finishing". YES, she gets it! It was all about finishing. I had finished. 

In case you ever wondered- it is very hard to get up from the toilet after moving your body nonstop for nearly 3 hours!

We made our way home. I slept part of the way. My mom had made a great victory dinner for all of us to enjoy. I slept good that night.

The week after my 1/2 was hard. I was sad. School and the 1/2 ended at the same time. I was a bit lost. I lacked direction. I didn't want to run, but my other workouts didn't give me the umph that I got from running. It's almost 3 weeks later and I am still struggling to figure out this post-race, post-school routine. 

Do I do another 1/2? Maybe! Do I starting to think about a full marathon? Nope, not at all! I have no  desire to complete that distance or commit to the training necessary to do it well. 

Mostly I am thinking about doing a triathlon.   I got so bored training for this 1/2 and think I'd really enjoy the training if I was doing multiple sports at once. I swam in high school. I know how to swim, but am not fast and I've NEVER swam in open water. I love spin class. I don't even own a bike. Must get a bike if I am going to do a tri. :) Lots to think about....

I still have a numb big toe from running, but everything else has returned to normal. I'm going to spend the next few weeks focusing on my eating. During training, I could eat whatever I wanted, but I'm finding that my body no longer needs to extra fuel and it's showing up in places that I don't like. THANK YOU so much for the kind messages and support that I've received during training. It meant the world to me and kept me going on those more difficult runs. Here's to the next adventure!


Friday, July 6, 2012

Looking Back

Yes, yes, I know that I owe you a post-race recap, but I wanted to get this out today.

Today is our 10 year wedding anniversary. 10 years! If we were dogs that would mean that we've been married for 70 years. Over the past 10 years my husband and I have bought a house, had 2 amazing kids, each lost a parent and changed jobs more times that I can count. He has stuck by my side during the ugly times when I am not the easiest person to be around. He has worked nights for the past 7 years so that we could keep our kids out of daycare. He has allowed me to purchase every fitness item that I've neeeeeded along the way. He loved me when I was at my heaviest and continues to support me with my current fitness goals. I posted earlier today on Facebook that he's not perfect, but that he is perfect for me. 

Earlier today we watch our wedding video. 
I looked like this on my wedding day:

This picture makes me sad. It was not a sad day. I felt beautiful during my wedding, but the truth is that I was so unhealthy and had no idea how good I *could* feel with different lifestyle choices. Watching the video today made me cry. I was SO big. What you don't see in this pictures are my arms. They were everywhere in the video, but in none of my photos. I spent most of today being sad about my wedding pictures, but them my hubby (the amazing one that I talked about earlier) pointed out that instead of feeling sad, that I should feel proud of all that I've accomplished. 

Here I am today:

Excuse the fact that I am a hot mess. I just got home from the gym. :) 

I so don't have this whole weight loss thing figured out, but one thing that I know for sure is that I can't go back to being that first girl. I was beautiful on my wedding day, but I was also unhealthy and tired. I lacked the energy to do basic tasks. My life revolved around food. Everything hurt. Over the past few years I have figured out one thing for sure- I choose who I want to be.

What about you? Who do you choose to be?????

Monday, June 25, 2012

1/2 Marathon Recap- Part 2

I decided to do my 1/2 marathon recap in three parts. You can read Part 1 on yesterday's blog
Truth be told- I'm feeling a little bit lost today. The race is over. I've accomplished my goal. There are no more squares on my calendar to fill in. I anticipated feeling this way, but that doesn't make the emptiness any easier. I have this huge training/goal oriented/running hole that I don't know how to fill. On to my recap....

The Race

We finally got up to the starting line. The announcers sounded the buzzer and we were off. The start of the race was a really gradual descent down a hill and around the corner to another up hill that was an easy, steady climb. I kept my sweatshirt on until I had finished the first mile and then ditched it on the side of the road. They have the Salvation Army come through and collect tossed aside clothing. It was tough to let go of my sweatshirt, but it was time for it to go. 

The first 3 miles were easy, peasy. My pace was around a 10:20 mile and I was booking. People had already started walking, but I was going strong. I got an awesome text from a friend telling me that she was going to meet me at the 3 mile mark, but that they missed me because I was so fast. Not only did that make me smile, but it also kept me going when things started to get hard.

I stopped around mile 4 or 5 to use the porta potty. That would be my only stop along the course. At mile 6 (I think...) we were coming up to this huge hill and I knew that my training was going to come in handy! I was able to get about 3/4 of the way up the hill before I had to walk. I got a little cocky because I was able to pass so many people. The downhill of that hill was crazy steep. I had to walk the whole thing for fear that I'd land flat on my face. After we got to the bottom of the hill, there were more water stations (I swear there were 8-10 of these things on the 1/2 marathon course). 

It get a little blurry from here. I love the point in a long run where it all starts to run together. I am no longer counting each quarter mile. I don't have to push for just one more mile. I am just there and I am just running. I refueled around mile 7 (Snickers bar to the rescue! I should have eaten more. Everything was happening so fast that I forgot to eat again.) We ran past a lake and were able to see the full marathoners coming up on their 18th mile. I watch in awe as they ran right past me. We ran up a huge hill where they had people holding giant American flags and there were pictures along the roadside of soldiers that were killed in action. We ran though  the I-90 tunnel. THROUGH A TUNNEL! That was crazy. I walked quite a bit of the tunnel. The air was so heavy and I struggled to stay focused with the noise from above. 

At some point my pace started to slow dramatically. I'm not sure where the time went, but around mile 10 my pace was up to nearly a 12 minute mile. I knew at that point I was not going to meet my time goal of 2 and a half hours. This 1/2 marathon was never about a time goal (of course I had one!) or even beating someone else; this was about me completing a 1/2 marathon. At mile 11, I realized that I was only 2 miles away from finishing. There was a part of me that didn't want to finish. I know that sound crazy, but it's how I felt. I didn't want it to be over so fast. All of my training. All of the runs. All of the "figuring out" of my running issues. It was all going to be over in less than half an hour.

I started to take everything the the sign...enjoy the moment. I ran a bit during the last 2 miles. I walked a lot. I *could* have ran more, but taking everything in was a greater priority to me than posting a great time. I ran past a marathoner who was on the side of the road with an IV in his arm. He was only 2 miles away from finishing and his body gave out. I gave thanks for my body and how far it has brought me. I gave thanks for my amazing family and friends that have supported me through this journey. I gave thanks that the rain held out. 

Before I knew it, I was at mile 13. Mile 13! The last .1 was down a hill and around the corner. As I rounded the corner and started up a tiny hill to the finish line, I was overtaken by emotion. Yep, I was that girl bawling her eyes out and she crossed the finish line. I couldn't stop crying. I had done it. I had run a 1/2 marathon in 2 hours and 49 minutes. See that? I ran faster than 3700 people! :) I was even faster than 400 other people my age! According to my Nike+ app I actually ran 13.67 miles with a pace of 12:22. I like those numbers better. 

Participant Detail
Finished In:

Tacoma, WA
Age: 36 | Gender: F
  • Overall: 10570 out of 14240
  • Division: 1218 out of 1634
  • Gender: 6567 out of 9568
  • 5 Km
  • 10 Km
  • 10 Mi
  • 36:24
  • 1:15:55
  • 2:05:55
  • Pace
  • Chip Time
  • Clock Time
  • 12:56
  • 02:49:25
  • 03:45:37

The race was over. I had crossed the finish line. 


About Me

My photo
On June 19, 2009 I started my weight loss journey. It has become quite the journey! As of today (2-1-11) I have lost 162 pounds and have gained a whole new life. This blog is a continuation of my journey. I hope to inspire and encourage others through my process.