Thursday, December 22, 2016

How I Feel

I lost weight. A lot of weight. 165 pounds. An entire person. I ran a 1/2 marathon and then another one. I completed a sprint triathlon and then an olympic one. I did ALL OF THAT!

Then...I changed jobs and didn't have to be the girl that lost weight and did races. I gained some weight. son was diagnosed with leukemia. Healthy eating and fitness went totally out the window at that point. They were replaced with cafeteria meals and sleeping on a fold out couch at the hospital. Thankfully, my son is in remission. He had a bone marrow transplant that consumed all of our lives from April to September.

I don't know what I weigh, but I know how I feel. Sluggish. Achy. Tired. I miss that joy that I found in pursuing my health and fitness goals. I don't like how I feel.

I informed the husband that I was going to start recording again tomorrow. Again. The thing is, I know that I can do it again. It is going to take work, but I know what my body can do when I feed it healthy foods and exercise. This isn't a "New Year, New Me" post. It's a "Getting back to Me" post.

The exciting part for me is that I am going into this next phase of my fitness life with so much more knowledge than I had the first time. I know that I don't want to be the girl that eats 1200 calories a day and exercises 6 day a week. I know that I don't want to be the girl that weighs herself every single day (sometimes more than once a day). I know that I don't want my life to revolve around losing weight.

What I do know is that I don't like how I feel and I know that I can feel amazing in my own skin once again.

I'll be starting oh-so-slow. Tomorrow morning I will weigh in so that I know about how many calories I need to get back to my 2ish pounds a week weight loss. Then, I'm meeting a friend at the Y for a weigh lifting session.

My goals for the next 4-weeks:
- Record daily (as best as possible) and meet my calorie goal 4 out of 7 days each week
- 3 workouts per week that last at least 30 minutes
- Weigh in once a week. That's it. No more. I refuse to allow the scale to control my life. Again. I've walked that road. It's not pretty.
- Blog weekly with a check-in on how I'm doing with my goals. I debated returning to blogging, but I know that it is a great tool for me to process and hold myself accountable.

Here we go again,

Tuesday, February 9, 2016


It's been 7 months since my last post. Oy!

Here's my July-December summary: Grad school. Principal internship. Continued to workout 5-6 days a week. Ate whatever was in front of me and already prepared.

December 1, 2015: My son had been acting weird. Odd fevers. Leg pain. Lethargic. No explanation. We took him to the doctor and asked him to run labs. 

12:10 PM- My phone rings. It's a doctor that I've never met.

Doctor: "He has leukemia. We need you to check in by 1:00 PM. We will admit tonight and start treatment tomorrow morning."

I left work. Went home and got my son and husband. Drove to the hospital.

In the next 3 hours I would learn:
- 1 in 30,000 children develop leukemia
- My son has the less common type (AML) that only affects 15% of leukemia cases. It is significantly harder to cure.
- We would spend the next 20 days (it ended up being 24 days) in the hospital.

Round 1 of leukemia failed to put him into remission. Devastated.

We do another round.

Round 2, which just finished yesterday, finally put my Bug into remission.  We are no where near done. He will do one more round of chemo and then go to a different hospital to get a bone marrow transplant.

My health, of course, took a back seat to my family's needs.
Why am I writing today? Today, for the first time in 2 months, I work up early and got on the treadmill before work. Both of my kids are home and we have a week long reprieve before going back into the hospital.

Today, I am breathing.


Sunday, July 26, 2015

A Simple Trade

How'd I gain back half of the weight that I lost?

Uhhhhh.... I ate too much.

Calories in. Calories out. It really is that simple.

 I was talking with a friend yesterday about losing weight. He was talking about the idea of giving up (whatever your favorite food is) forever. I explained that it wasn't about a giving up. It was about a trade.

Yep, a trade.

I don't mean a trade like diet coke for regular or thin crust for thick.

It's trading your priorities.

I have forgotten about the trade.

Long ago I traded grabbing a candy bar and cheeseburger before dinner for going down water slides. I traded venti white chocolate mochas for being able to ride bikes with my daughter. I traded a third slice of pizza for coaching my son's soccer team. Finally, I traded binging on chips before bed for being able to complete an Olympic Triathlon...multiple half marathons...and just getting out of bed on Saturday morning for a long run.

This doesn't mean I don't eat pizza (2 slices, not 4), drink coffee (skinny caramel latte), diet coke (hangs head in shame.....I had given it up for a long time) and chips that are portioned out in a serving size.

Thankfully, I have remembered the trade before I was back to the 356 pounds of 4 years ago.

What now?
Back to recording!
I feel like I have said that about 100 times in the past 6 months.

Completing my Olympic Tri and talking about priorities have reminded me why I record. I don't want to get back to 192 if the only way to get there is through drastic calorie cutting and excessive exercise. I am determined, this time around, to be balance and healthy. If that means that I only get to 250, so be it. I am convinced that my body will respond to healthy eating (1800-2200 calories) and moderate exercise.

Tomorrow, I will record again. I won't record every day. I can't. I can record most days. This is too important to give up or give away.


Saturday, July 25, 2015

Toughman Olympic Triathlon

It's two week past my last race and I am just now sitting down to share it with you. 

Why so long?

- I'm back in school to get my principal credentials and it is keep me very busy. My typically lazy days of summer have been filled with class 9 hours a week and a lot of reading/paper writing. I LOVE my course work, but it definitely has been an adjustment.
- Writing about a race always makes it seem so final. I didn't want this one to end. 
- There is a part of me that didn't want to share because there were moments on this course that I felt unworthy, too heavy, too slow to be even "racing". I've never been an "I need to win" type of athlete, but this race definitely pushed my limits. 
- I can't tell you about this race without talking about my weight gain. Ugh! Ok, I could. I'm in charge of what I share. :) I've gained weight. I've shared that already. This race would have been WAY easier if I was 100 pounds (heck, 50) lighter. 

Here's the GREAT news! I completed an Olympic Triathlon at 275ish pounds and that is freaking amazing. This race reminded me how incredibly strong I am. I can do anything! 

Ok, that's all out. Let me tell you about the race!

Rocked my swim! I rented a wetsuit and it was a perfect fit. This was an open water swim. I had given myself an hour to complete the .9 miles. I finished in 39 minutes. I was ecstatic. I came out of the water feeling strong. I even blew the husband a kiss. I've never felt great coming out of the water. My consistent swim training and Master's swim classes have really helped to strengthen my stroke.

Easy transition from swim to bike. I had an Uncrustable on the start of my bike. There was a half ironman going on at the same time as my race, so I was surrounded by some really fast bikes. I kept reminding myself that this was my race and that I had to just stay my course. At one point another cyclist told me that my turn around was right ahead. Jokes on her- that was the sprint turn around. I still had another 6 miles to go. The bike was solid and consistent. I took it 5 miles at a time. Everyone 5 miles, I'd adjust and hydrate. I finished my 25.34 miles in 2:10. I remember looking at my watch at 40 minutes and then again at 2 hours. Not sure what happened for that hour in the middle. Ha! Guess my body took over. I started to ache at some point and had to really tune in to my body, figure out what was hurting and make some adjustments. Never on the bike was I miserable! Getting of the bike was rough- my thighs were tight

Off the bike and on to the run. I was tired. Really tired. There was no way that I was going to let 6 miles stand between me and completing an Olympic triathlon. I told the husband that I may have to walk, but that I would finish. I started walking. More walking. I decided to just go one mile at a time. My walk is pretty quick. I was walking 14:30 miles for the first 2 miles. Miles 2-4 were on the beach. Those took longer, but I pressed on. I zoned out for miles 3-5. At one point a runner, that was doing the half, passed me. I told her that she was amazing. She told me that we were all amazing. That carried me the rest of the race. I turned a corner and saw the finish line. My watch told me that I still had a mile to go. I was elated. I asked another person if that was really the finish line. It was! I was elated. I ended up walking the entire run in 1:35; that's a 15:19 pace with 2 of those miles being on the beach. I'll take it! I chose not to run because I was worried that I just didn't have enough in me to finish if I put too much out early in the run. I did run across the finish line. 

Total time: 4:34:02
I finished an Olympic triathlon. 

It was not easy. 
I will totally do it again. 



Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Olympic Tri training

Last July I finished my third sprint triathalon and decided that I could do more. Sure, it took me 2 hours, but I had FUN. This is, after all, all about having fun. I emailed my coach and asked if I was crazy. He assured me that it would be a challenge, but doable. What I didn't know at that time was that I'd be heavier and deal with a significant ankle and now foot injury during training.

I'm 25 days out from my Olympic tri. I don't think I'm ready. I went out for my longest brick a week ago and had a sharp pain in my foot as soon as I started my run. To be honest, it hurt getting out of bed that morning, but I decided it was just tight and would loosen up on the run.

I've been training this week on a not-so-good but bearable foot. Massage on Saturday didn't help. I'm hoping that a chiroractor visit tomorrow will solve my problem.

At this point, I may be walking the "run", but I should be able to get it done. I don't want to walk the run.... My longest ride to date has been 18 miles. I've been doing 2000 meters with minimal rest. My "long" runs have been 5ish miles.

Race Distances:
Swim: .9 miles (1448 meters)
Bike: 25.34 miles
Run: 6.2 miles

To sum up:
I'm not ready.
My foot hurts.
I'm way over "race weight".
I'm doing this. :)

I'm going to make every effort over the next 25 days to prepare physically and emotionally for this undertaking.


Monday, June 15, 2015

Not "too big"

Hmmmm.... Where to start?

I haven't blogged in nearly 3 months.

You know what they say- It's never good when a blogger goes silent.

The thing is, it has been good. It's been SO most areas.

- Still working out. Training for an Olympic Tri- more on that very soon.
- Started a new job in August. Loving it!
- Applied for "stupid principal school" (kids aren't excited about it and deemed it "stupid principal school"), was accepted, and start classes this week. I can't wait! It's what I have been called to do.
- Have made some new friends at work that bring me such great joy!

My eating has sucked! Actually, it started to move to the back burner a few years ago. This year I put it in the freezer. Right next to the double chocolate chip ice cream.

The truth is that since my first half marathon (June 2012), I have slowly gained weight. I don't know what I weigh today. It doesn't matter. It never was about the number on the scale. It was about having control over my food instead of allowing my food to control me.

I've learned that. Now.

I'm doing things with my body at my current weight that I never would have done at this weight years ago. I used to limit my activities because I was "too big". I've learned, through my weight gain, that I'm not too big. Did you hear that? You're not too big. It's harder when you are bigger, but you are not too big.

Starting on Thursday (on vacation right now and REFUSE to stress out about this), I am going to start recording again. I'm not recording to lose weight, but rather to regain control. I will lose weight. It's natural. I'm going to set my range high for me to give me the space I need to get back in to the flow of recording with the stress of being hungry. Also, I have this Olympic Tri in less than a month. Now is not the time to create a calorie deficit. I need all of the GOOD fuel possible.

More on tri training this week!

Time to get in a run on the beach before the day gets going.

How are you????


Monday, March 23, 2015

Not Fat

Getting ready for bed tonight and Sissy announced that she was fat.

That's why she "runs slow". She's "fat".


I'm not blind. She's heavy.
She will probably always struggle with her weight.
She is tall and broad like her mom.

She's 9. You can't be 9 and "fat".

I was once 9.
I put myself on a secret diet with a neighbor girl because we were both "fat".


Then she told me that I used to be fat.
(She's convinced every picture of me at my heaviest is when I was pregnant.)
Bug interjects, "Now you are skinny mommy".
I told him I'd rather be called healthy or strong.
He picked skinny.
Sissy adds, "That's why your run fast, because you aren't fat anymore".
I don't run fast. I run. Not fast.

She is not fat.
She's 9.

It's already started for her.
The insecurity, the comparing, the doubts, the feeling on inadequacy.

Baby girl, you are not fat. You are hard working, dedicated, kind, generous, helpful, compassionate, and funny.

 Raising healthy children was one of my number one motivations for losing my weight initially. I wanted them to see what healthy looked like. They see it.
She sees it and feels like, AT 9, that she can't achieve it.

My heart aches for her tonight.
She's 9 and is convinced that she has lost her battle with weight and fitness.

I'll continue to talk about ways that we can care for our bodies. My prayer, for her, is that it won't taker her until she is 34 to realize that she can be so.much.more than fat.



About Me

My photo
On June 19, 2009 I started my weight loss journey. It has become quite the journey! As of today (2-1-11) I have lost 162 pounds and have gained a whole new life. This blog is a continuation of my journey. I hope to inspire and encourage others through my process.