Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Just not enough

Haven't posted in a while over a month.... I have stopped my weight gain cycle, but can't seem to get back to the losing. 

I know, it's easy- eat less, move more. 

News flash- it's SO not easy. Please don't get discouraged when people say it's easy. For someone with an addiction to food, it is never easy. 

Here's my struggle- I didn't like who I had to become when I was in "losing" mode. I was often dizzy from not eating enough (1200 a day is NOT enough when you work out like I do), would pass on social invitations for fear of what food would be at the party, and weighed myself 3-4 times a day. I don't miss that person and I don't want to go back to that. 

I am bordering on being "obese" again. I don't want that. I want to be healthy. I'd like to get back down to the 192ish range again. I felt good there. My clothes fit. I REFUSE to buy larger clothes. 

Throw out the scale? Pshshshs. Not gonna happen. Throwing out the scale landed me at 356 pounds. Ok, maybe, just maybe it was the 3000+ calories a day with no exercise that got my there and not the fact that I didn't own a scale.....

Lately, my greatest struggle is with constantly comparing myself to those around me and even to what I was 9 months ago. I'm not fast enough, skinny enough, strong enough, pretty enough. Just not enough...

At Shred last night I had a moment....a glimpse of clarity... We were flipping tires (I LOVE flipping tires). Not a car tire, nope a big ole tractor size tire. I got to thinking, "How much does that thing weigh". I was told between 120-140 pounds. WHAT! I have lost 165 (errrr 140 right now) pounds. I carried a giant tractor tire around ALL DAY LONG! All day! Maybe, just maybe, my right now is good enough.

That feeling last for about, oh, 12 hours. I weighed in this morning. I recorded (eating around 1700 calories a day and burning 2600 calories for the week) and weight exactly the same as I did last week. Back to not being enough. 


About Me

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On June 19, 2009 I started my weight loss journey. It has become quite the journey! As of today (2-1-11) I have lost 162 pounds and have gained a whole new life. This blog is a continuation of my journey. I hope to inspire and encourage others through my process.