Food Fits

Big changes are in my near future when it comes to professional stuff. :) Big changes mean having to dress, at times, a little more professional. Truth be told, I do feel amazing when I dress all grown-up like. I hate to even admit that because it taps in to this part of me that is so very uncomfortable with being "pretty" or "looking good". I feel UNCOMFORTABLE with compliments that have anything to do with my appearance. That's for another day...

I went shopping tonight. 
For dress pants.
Shopping for pants sucks! Shopping for fitted "fancy" pants really sucks.
No big shock. I didn't find anything that fit. 

I texted the husband: "Nothing fits. Going to Costco. Food fits".
He wrote back: "Buy some bread".

SHEESH! Such a guy response.

Here's the thing.... I could have gone upstairs to the "plus" section. I could have found a pair of pants to wear. I could have, but I didn't. From about the age of 13 forward I was destined to shop either upstairs or downstairs (depending on the store), but never could I shop on the main floor with the regular girls. When I went shopping with friends I had to just "browse" because I knew nothing in their section would ever fit me.

At some point in this weight loss adventure I started being able to shop on the main floor. I'm not going upstairs. I can't. 

I left the mall in a state of panic.

Candy at Costco. That was what I needed.

Pulled out of the mall and started to turn in to Wendy's to get a Frosty. Except I didn't. I may have uttered some inappropriate language about how this stuff needed to end and how eating a frosty was really dumb. 

I got in the right lane and drove to Costco.

Pulling in to Costco I knew what I needed to do. I needed food for the week. Real food. Food that I would buy, take home, and prep. Food that would fill me up and be quick to prepare and eat. 

I started shopping (yes, I remembered the bread). I got spinach, sugar snap peas, strawberries, trail mix, grapes, baby carrots, cucumbers, chicken breast, chicken strips, chicken in a can (hmmm...that's a lot of chicken), tomatoes, frozen berries, cliff bars, and some smoked salmon.

I came home...

I portioned out veggies for the next 3 days

I boiled eggs

I measured trail mix

Here's the honest truth- I have been eating CRAP and lots of it. I've been not eating enough and then overeating at night. I can't remember the last time I drank enough water. I'm pushing my body physically through exercise and then rewarding it with unhealthy food.

This can't continue.

I can't shop upstairs.

“There are no secrets to success. It is the result of preparation, hard work 

and learning from failure.” Colin Powell

I know what to do. 
Now to do it....

~Kari

Too Hard

Came home from my run today... 

Defeated.

This is too damn hard. 

Period.

Eating "right". Correct portion sizes. Measuring. Having to always think about my food. Not eating my emotions. Planning for success. Drinking water. Eating until I'm full. 

Too hard. 

I tried to look back today and see when I started gaining weight. It was after my first half marathon. That was nearly 2 years ago. For 2 years I have been trying to recover.

I'm tired of being on a recovery mission.

(Full disclosure- I ate a bag of potato chips while writing this!)

You know what else is hard? Trying to maintain my level of fitness in my ever expanding body. It's bad. It's really bad. And YET, it's not so bad that I'm stopping myself. 

Nothing fits. Even my sweats. 

I read old posts. I miss that girl. I miss the one that was so excited about a smaller size or finding a new vegetable to try at the store. 

I've failed. Completely. It sucks.

I hate how I feel. 

I hate how I look in the mirror. 

I hate that my super cute short skirt doesn't fit and it's almost short skirt season.

I'm tired. 

I need to either quit, resign to my fate of always ultimately being the "big girl" or get a serious recharge to get out of this slump.

~Kari