Tuesday, April 8, 2014


Following Authentically Emily, here is my #TransparentTuesday

Last weekend I went on my 10-mile long training run with my dearest running buddy, Julia. 

Halfway through the run we started talking about weight gain. It's no secret that I've put on 10 20 who knows number of pounds over the past 2 years.

Here's the rub- To get down to 193 pounds I had to take some pretty drastic measures.

- 1200 calories a day
- Exercise for an hour a day, 6 days a week
- Dizzy spells
- Hair loss
- Extreme fatigue

But I was almost thin! Almost.... Actually, I was still overweight according to the BMI even after all of those efforts.

Today, I think I'm right around 220 pounds (but am too scared to check), I am eating around 2000+ (I think the + is the problem) calories a day, exercising 5 days a week and no longer experience the negative side effects of strict calorie restriction partnered with intense exercise. 

I ended our run feeling comfortable with my body and accepting that, for me, heavier did mean healthier.

Fast forward to my Tuesday run. 

There was a new rub. The rub between my arm and whatever you want to call the skin that hangs over your sports bra when you have gained 20 pounds.

Since my arm lift (nearly 3 years ago!) I have not struggled with jiggly arms or rubbing skin. Last night I did. 

It made me sad. I spent the night examining my hanging skin. Wondering if the negative side effects of being 193 could outweigh the hang below my arm. The logical side of me thinks that if I went back to lifting consistently that I could tighten up my arms in a short amount of time. 

I KNOW that I could get back to 193.

I don't KNOW that I could ever get back to 193 eating enough calories and not working out to the point of exhaustion.

Here's the reality: I feel defeated, disappointed in myself, embarrassed, angry. This is all so very hard. The logical part of my knows that to do. There is this emotional piece that wants to crawl in to bed and just give up. That middle ground of maintenance seems so far away. I don't know how people do it. 

There you have it. I'm not an amazing success story. Just a regular girl who is trying to figure out how to navigate a moderate approach to eating and exercise in a world that deals only in extremes. 

What about you? How do you find moderation?



  1. You are an amazing success story, wrapped up in a normal lady. It's what makes you, you.

  2. You know what, you're right. It is hard. I agree with everything Andi said. For myself, I wish I could just stay at the eating only ever healthy food, no sugar, etc., exercising every day. But since I'm sort of rotten at that, I find I sometimes have to hit the "reset" button. Also we just came back from spring break and being out of the routine often gets me out of whack. Keep up the good work of trying to navigate eating and exercising in a healthy, sensible way!

  3. I can totally relate. Look up "Eat More to Weigh Less". They have good insights on losing right in a healthy manner, because I've been reading a lot about how starvation does horrible things to your body....even if it does keep you skinny. Just a thought, because a friend and I are right there with you,

    You have a great story. Don't beat yourself up too hard. :)

  4. I remember when you got your body fat tested and it was higher than you wanted. Maybe at this point, it would work best to focus on body composition more than the actual weight. That is, work to get the body fat% you would like rather than focus on a specific number on the scale. That might involve some weight loss to shed some of the body fat, but then you could gain some weight by building muscle. It is hard to shed fat and build much muscle at the same time. But, you could work to lose some body fat even if it was hard to do but then plain to gain some weight back by gaining muscle. You might end up at more than 193 when you were done, but might have a body composition you liked.

  5. You are a success kari and you need to love the person that has worked so hard and gotten so far, YOU, WONDERFUL YOU. Sending you a big loving hug.


About Me

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On June 19, 2009 I started my weight loss journey. It has become quite the journey! As of today (2-1-11) I have lost 162 pounds and have gained a whole new life. This blog is a continuation of my journey. I hope to inspire and encourage others through my process.