Last Sunday I stepped on the scale. Up. Again. I texted a friend who I knew would get what I was feeling. She talked me off the scale edge and reminded me that I have lost more than I have regained. Here's the thing, a regain is not OK in my mind. While losing my inital 165 pounds I would occasionally "gain" a pound or two, but it always ended up being water weight. The 2-3 pounds doesn't scare me. The 20 pounds that I have gained scares me. Tomorrow if my Bod Pod test and I am SUPER excited about it. I can't wait to have something other than a BMI chart give me some guidance about my body composition and ideas about future goals.
I started recording again on Sunday. It works. It keeps me focused on my goals. It helps me to maintain my weight. When I stick with it I know that I will lose that weight that I've regained.
After only 3 days of recording, I can tell you that I already feel better. I feel in control. I have more energy because I am fueling my body with healthy foods. Never once have I been HUNGRY. I'm eating every few hours. It is enough.
Have you ever visualized a food addict in your head? I see the 500 pound person who drives through the drive through and orders three extra value meals. I see the person hiding candy bars under their bed. I see the person standing in front of the fridge in the middle of the night looking for a snack.
As I've been reflecting on my recent struggles with the scale and my eating choices I've realized that I'm a food addict. I'm not what I ever visualized a "food addict" to be. Tracking gives me a control over food that I don't have when I am left on my own. My food tracker is my support system. I know it sounds ridiculous. How can an online tracker be my support? I look to my tracker to remind me of what I've eating, of how far I've come, and my goals for the day. I have other support systems in place, but when it comes time to deciding what to eat, I look to my tracker. Most of the time it guides my decisions.
I want to be an "intuitive eater". I want to pass on a donut because it doesn't sound good. I'm not there. Yet.
Part of me doesn't want to post this for fear of judgement.
With deep breaths, I'm putting it out there. I am addicted to food. I have a very hard time controlling my portions. I struggle in situations where I don't have direct control of my food (restaurants, parties, potlucks). I snack nonstop on unhealthy choices.
Today I am set up for success. My meals are planned. Today will be a good day in my ongoing struggle with food.