Sunday, September 7, 2014

Insecurities gone WILD

It always works out for Kari.

It's true. Almost always.

I am incredibly blessed and almost always things have a way of going in the direction I want/hope/pray/wish for.

Over the summer I applied for a job and I didn't get it. I was pretty sure it was a sure thing and they chose someone else. That rocked my world. I've never interviewed and not been pick. (Poor baby, I know!)

I've gained back some weight. No big secret there. I always swore that I wouldn't be THAT girl. The girl that gains and loses 150 pounds over and over again. I'm on my way to being THAT girl and it sucks. Honestly, I think the reason it took me until the ago of 33 to even consider losing weight was because I didn't want to try something that I was confident I'd accomplish. 

I work out VERY consistently and am always in the bottom of my age group. It's frustrating to know that your all is in the bottom quartile of others. I often question if I'm meant to compete. I LOVE it. Do I deserve to even show up to play? Should I just go back to my fitness classes at the gym? Glue my bench to the floor and never move again.

Over the past few months I've made some MAJOR changes....

I didn't get the job that I initially applied for. I got a better one. The first one was a "it will be fine, I just need something new" sort of job. The one that I ended up getting is a "this is exactly where I am meant to be" sort of job. I'm glad I didn't get the first job, but not getting it has made me really insecure in my skill set.  Being in a new job also has me a bit on edge. What if they don't like me? (They have been very vocal that they do!) What if I can't live up to their expectations? (I KNOW in my head that I can.) 

I'm working on the weight gain. I'm taking it one day at a time. I'm focused on eating healthy over eating to lose. What if I can't get this under control  What if I'm destined to be morbidly obese and there is nothing I can do to stop it?

I took the next step in fitness and hired a great coach. I'm seeing gains in both my speed and comfort level, but I constantly feel like it's not enough. I look back at my times thinking I will see big drops in my pace, but it's not there. I can tell you that I FEEL so much stronger when I run. One of my goals when I started working with Kyle was that I wouldn't feel like death the entire run. I am getting to that place, which is exciting. We've only been working together for a month and I need to cut myself some slack. I worked out before school last week. That alone is a miracle the first week of school.

Why share this? I guess to remind myself that my insecurities (and yours!) don't have to drive my actions. Suck it up buttercup is frequently my answer to my babies when they don't want to do something. My insecurities put me in this 
"I don't wanna" place. Not doing what I KNOW I need to do will only fuel that insecurity. 

My name is Kari and sometimes (ok, pretty often) I'm insecure about my skills or qualities that make me amazing. I'm a work in progress....


About Me

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On June 19, 2009 I started my weight loss journey. It has become quite the journey! As of today (2-1-11) I have lost 162 pounds and have gained a whole new life. This blog is a continuation of my journey. I hope to inspire and encourage others through my process.