If I was writing my heart right now, I'd be writing about how frustrated I am that I am training SO hard to see such small gains and how I wish that I was lighter so that running would be easier. I'd be writing about how my race time yesterday, while it was my personal best, it was only 30 seconds faster than 2 years ago when I did the same course. I'd share about how I looked up previous race times last night in hopes that I'd be inspired with my growth, but instead only realized how I am going no way really, really, really slowly.
30 pounds heavier and 30 seconds faster. *Stomach drops* I want to see more improvement.
Truth be told, I'm angry with myself.
I ran strong yesterday.
I'm sore today in a "I worked really hard" sort of way. I left it all on the course.
30 pounds and 30 seconds.
I had a new PR yesterday and all I can think about is how much faster I could be if I was skinnier.
Today should be a race recap, but that will have to wait.
I was sharing my heart with the husband last night and he pointed something out. I AM 30 pounds heavier and I RAN 30 seconds faster. Not only that, but I ran with a strength that I have not had in any other race.
I think about how I could be faster if only I was skinnier.
I was skinnier. I wasn't faster. I definitely wasn't stronger.
Where do I go from here?
I've struggled with this skinny vs strong vs healthy vs being a size medium for so long. I want to be a faster, stronger athlete. Can I be that person at my current weight? If not, then how do I get to a lighter racing weight without going back to the person I had to become to get down to a still "overweight" but closer to "normal" than I am now?
Do I just accept that this is it?
Race recap coming soon. It was a good one. :)