Sharing my heart

If I was writing my heart right now, I'd be writing about how frustrated I am that I am training SO hard to see such small gains and how I wish that I was lighter so that running would be easier. I'd be writing about how my race time yesterday, while it was my personal best, it was only 30 seconds faster than 2 years ago when I did the same course. I'd share about how I looked up previous race times last night in hopes that I'd be inspired with my growth, but instead only realized how I am going no way really, really, really slowly. 

30 pounds heavier and 30 seconds faster. *Stomach drops* I want to see more improvement. 

Truth be told, I'm angry with myself. 

I ran strong yesterday. 

I'm sore today in a "I worked really hard" sort of way. I left it all on the course.

30 pounds and 30 seconds. 

I had a new PR yesterday and all I can think about is how much faster I could be if I was skinnier.

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Today should be a race recap, but that will have to wait. 

I was sharing my heart with the husband last night and he pointed something out. I AM 30 pounds heavier and I RAN 30 seconds faster. Not only that, but I ran with a strength that I have not had in any other race. 

I think about how I could be faster if only I was skinnier.

I was skinnier. I wasn't faster. I definitely wasn't stronger.

Where do I go from here? 

I've struggled with this skinny vs strong vs healthy vs being a size medium for so long. I want to be a faster, stronger athlete. Can I be that person at my current weight? If not, then how do I get to a lighter racing weight without going back to the person I had to become to get down to a still "overweight" but closer to "normal" than I am now? 

Do I just accept that this is it?


Race recap coming soon. It was a good one. :)

~Kari