I've spent the past few days trying to sort things out. I've been lazy about recording my food. I'm not drinking the water that I know I should be drinking. I am eating a bag of popcorn (I'm not even really hungry) and drinking a Coke Zero (only had 1/2 of my water today) while writing this blog. I don't *feel* good. I *feel* heavy. I continue to not change my behavior.
I'm worried scared!
I'm scared that my surgery won't go well.
I'm scared I won't be able to get to a healthy BMI.
I'm scared that I will gain back all of my weight.
I'm scared that all of this will never be enough.
I wonder where that girl is that they wrote about in the paper that seems to have it all together. I have really appreciated all of the support that I've received since "going public" in the paper and in our school newsletter, but the support has actually increased my stress/fear/anxiety level.
I have been allowing myself to slide on making healthy choices out of fear. I don't want to gain weight so I eat- it makes no sense. This type of thinking is what caused me to weigh 356 pounds.
Ok, I'm putting on my big girl panties and setting new goals!
1. Tomorrow I will drink at least 64 ounces of water. I won't have any soda until I've had at least half of that. Feel free to ask me tomorrow how my water consumption is going. :)
2. Tomorrow I will measure and record everything that I eat.
High ho! High ho! It's back to the basics I go....
Confession: I think this stuff all the time...
ReplyDeleteWhile it doesn't feel normal to be afraid of our weight loss I'm actually finding it more and more common. People begin to look up to you, your story is out there, the light is shining brightly on you and the only thing you can think of is "how can I do this?"....
Keri, trust me: you can. You were meant to succeed. If you were not thinking the way you are I wouldn't say that. We're on this side of success now. We aim to stay here...do you hear me? We are staying here!
Yep, it's all normal thinking. I've been writing about it more lately about finding our inner strength. You are a tough cookie or you wouldn't be where you are, don't fear success, you're already successful. Gaining a few lbs isn't failure it's just fear. Tell that fear "get lost" :) I keep hearing people say "have faith" so I will repeat it to you. Everything will be ok. Just do what you know is right and do what really makes you feel good, I'm betting anything that eating isn't making you feel good it's just what you're use to doing. Time is what fixes things, though it might be years of time just keep plugging along. As for the surgery well you know from reading about me it wasn't easy in the beginning but it all turned out ok. Maybe not all I hoped but definitely better than I was before. "Postive thinking" is what fixes everything no matter how big or small.
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