Sharing my heart

If I was writing my heart right now, I'd be writing about how frustrated I am that I am training SO hard to see such small gains and how I wish that I was lighter so that running would be easier. I'd be writing about how my race time yesterday, while it was my personal best, it was only 30 seconds faster than 2 years ago when I did the same course. I'd share about how I looked up previous race times last night in hopes that I'd be inspired with my growth, but instead only realized how I am going no way really, really, really slowly. 

30 pounds heavier and 30 seconds faster. *Stomach drops* I want to see more improvement. 

Truth be told, I'm angry with myself. 

I ran strong yesterday. 

I'm sore today in a "I worked really hard" sort of way. I left it all on the course.

30 pounds and 30 seconds. 

I had a new PR yesterday and all I can think about is how much faster I could be if I was skinnier.

--------------------------

Today should be a race recap, but that will have to wait. 

I was sharing my heart with the husband last night and he pointed something out. I AM 30 pounds heavier and I RAN 30 seconds faster. Not only that, but I ran with a strength that I have not had in any other race. 

I think about how I could be faster if only I was skinnier.

I was skinnier. I wasn't faster. I definitely wasn't stronger.

Where do I go from here? 

I've struggled with this skinny vs strong vs healthy vs being a size medium for so long. I want to be a faster, stronger athlete. Can I be that person at my current weight? If not, then how do I get to a lighter racing weight without going back to the person I had to become to get down to a still "overweight" but closer to "normal" than I am now? 

Do I just accept that this is it?


Race recap coming soon. It was a good one. :)

~Kari

Black Diamond Sprint Tri

I have a new event to add to my "must-do" races! 
It's the Black Diamond Tri ran by AA Sports. Such a great race! 
Well organized, helpful on course signs, and fantastic post-race food. 

I've been trying out a Bia watch over the past 2 weeks and used it for me race. I'm still not sure if I love the watch, but here are my splits from the watch report. They are spot on with the race splits. 

This tri had some odd distances. The "race" distances were .50 mi, 11 mi, and 2.8. Looks like the GPS in my watch is fairly accurate. 
On to the race...

SWIM

I felt ready for the swim. I got in the water. I warmed up....not enough.

The race started and I started to panic. I couldn't breathe. The water was cold (yes, even in my wetsuit). I stuck with my stick near the back strategy and waited for the crowd to clear. All I could do was breast stroke for the first chunk. Still can't breathe. How am I going to get this done. The doubts begin. 

Near the first buoy this very sweet girl (who I'm sure saw that I was struggling) says, "It's ok, I'm not a  strong swimmer either. We can do this". Her sweet comment really fired me up. I AM a strong swimmer. I took a deep breath and took off. I can do this. I told myself that I could breathe every single stroke but that I had to get my face in the water and start swimming. I swam strong the last 2/3rds of the swim.

Feeling tired and accomplished!

Transition 1- I AM SOO SLOW at this transition. Sigh. It beats my 8 minutes from last year, but it's still badddd.

BIKE

The bike course was beautiful out and back along a country road. Police were directing traffic, making the course feel super safe even through the roads were "open". There were two hills that were challenging. At one point I considered getting off my bike and walking up, but was able to talk myself out of that. 

My bike performed just like it should. :) I always spend my race rides worried about some sort of mechanical failure. 

At mile 9 I started thinking about my run. I heard my coaches voice telling me to find my easy pace and run the 2.8 mile run. Did I have it in me after the swim and bike? Could I maintain a slow and steady pace? 

Felt great after returning from the ride. 

I was having so much fun!

RUN

Dismounted, threw on my tank top and started off on the run.

Slow and steady. Find my pace. Run my race.

The run course was twice around the lake. The trail was dirt, but not super technical. There were a few up/down hills. Not my normal sidewalk, city roads conditions that I normal run. I pressed on. I was still running. 

First lap done. I didn't walk. Yet.

Second lap started. I decided to walk up this one hill to try and catch my breath so that I could haul to the finish line. 

I wanted to stop running around mile 2. There were great direction signs for the run course that just said "runners" with arrows. My new mantra started- runners run. I had to run. I'm a runner. Runners run. 

I ran...and ran...and ran. I found and maintained my "easy" pace. I maintained a 13:00-13:30 minute pace for all 2.8 miles. 

WHOOP! 

There are my babies (in the purple and green shirt) cheering mommy on to the finish line!

I had a great race. 

I swam, biked, and ran strong. 

I finished with gusto and didn't die post-race. 

The little voices that tell me I'm not enough or don't belong were minimal. 

I'm not built like an athlete. I did notice how much smaller most of the athletes were than me. It takes a lot more to run 220ish pounds up and down those hills than it does if I weighed 120. 

I may not "look" like I triathlete, but I am one. 

Highlights of the race were racing with my friends son and husband. It was her son's 16th birthday. 

Who would have guessed 16 years ago that we'd be racing together. The other BIG win for the day was that the husband and the kids were there for the entire race. We were all up and 6 and off to the race. I love them SO much! I could not do this without their support.

Best support crew in town!

Can't wait to do this one again!

~Kari

Sads

The truth is that lately I've had the sads. Nothing major, just small periods of sad that seem to go on for days. Things are GOOD right now. Job- good. Training- good. Food- getting better. Kids- good. Things are good.

Why am I sad?

(I've stared at this question for several days.... )

I think that my sad is really more of a little lost or a lack of direction.

I'm a goal focused type of girl. I follow a plan.

My last tri is this weekend. The training is done. I have some "pre" post race blues.

My son had a BIG doctor appointment (he's fine) looming in the future. The appointment came and went. 

I'm in a new job and am starting the real meat of my work next week. I'm READY to get going and have to wait.

There are no "big things" on my horizon and that has me feeling sad lost unfocused .... I can't describe it. 

So I press on. I keep doing what I know to do. 

I eat to fuel.

I exercise for both mental and physical stability.

I love my family and friends.

I make people smile.

How are YOU? Really, I want to know.

~Kari

Insecurities gone WILD

It always works out for Kari.

It's true. Almost always.

I am incredibly blessed and almost always things have a way of going in the direction I want/hope/pray/wish for.

Over the summer I applied for a job and I didn't get it. I was pretty sure it was a sure thing and they chose someone else. That rocked my world. I've never interviewed and not been pick. (Poor baby, I know!)

I've gained back some weight. No big secret there. I always swore that I wouldn't be THAT girl. The girl that gains and loses 150 pounds over and over again. I'm on my way to being THAT girl and it sucks. Honestly, I think the reason it took me until the ago of 33 to even consider losing weight was because I didn't want to try something that I was confident I'd accomplish. 

I work out VERY consistently and am always in the bottom of my age group. It's frustrating to know that your all is in the bottom quartile of others. I often question if I'm meant to compete. I LOVE it. Do I deserve to even show up to play? Should I just go back to my fitness classes at the gym? Glue my bench to the floor and never move again.

Over the past few months I've made some MAJOR changes....

I didn't get the job that I initially applied for. I got a better one. The first one was a "it will be fine, I just need something new" sort of job. The one that I ended up getting is a "this is exactly where I am meant to be" sort of job. I'm glad I didn't get the first job, but not getting it has made me really insecure in my skill set.  Being in a new job also has me a bit on edge. What if they don't like me? (They have been very vocal that they do!) What if I can't live up to their expectations? (I KNOW in my head that I can.) 

I'm working on the weight gain. I'm taking it one day at a time. I'm focused on eating healthy over eating to lose. What if I can't get this under control  What if I'm destined to be morbidly obese and there is nothing I can do to stop it?

I took the next step in fitness and hired a great coach. I'm seeing gains in both my speed and comfort level, but I constantly feel like it's not enough. I look back at my times thinking I will see big drops in my pace, but it's not there. I can tell you that I FEEL so much stronger when I run. One of my goals when I started working with Kyle was that I wouldn't feel like death the entire run. I am getting to that place, which is exciting. We've only been working together for a month and I need to cut myself some slack. I worked out before school every.single.day last week. That alone is a miracle the first week of school.

Why share this? I guess to remind myself that my insecurities (and yours!) don't have to drive my actions. Suck it up buttercup is frequently my answer to my babies when they don't want to do something. My insecurities put me in this 
"I don't wanna" place. Not doing what I KNOW I need to do will only fuel that insecurity. 

My name is Kari and sometimes (ok, pretty often) I'm insecure about my skills or qualities that make me amazing. I'm a work in progress....

~Kari

Hold My Hand

Will you come hold my hand?

I'm working my tail off during my workouts and then punishing my body with crappy foods and way to much food. I'm seeing gains in my workouts. How much more would I see if my eating was in check?

My fridge is full of wilting vegetables. I have the best of intentions. They are even cut-up. I still grab the snack size bag of oreos.

There always seems to be *something* coming up.

Monday is my birthday (I LOVE MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!). Can't record that day. What if someone gets me a cupcake. What if the family takes me out to dinner? Why should I have to limit my food on MY birthday?

Tuesday we are going to the fair. I must get a scone. Right? We can pack lunch, but have to eat dinner there. There are NO healthy choices at the fair. Right?

Wednesday. Ok, Wednesday I can record. 

Then it's  TGIF....then a concert...then another round of family birthdays...then the holidays...

I need someone to walk around with me, hold my hand, and tell me over and over and over again that the amazing food (that often really isn't that amazing....) won't fulfill me or help me achieve my fitness goals. 

It's no longer about being skinny. There is a great freedom in that.

I don't know how to measure progress without a scale.

Recording (come friend me- weighting_place on MFP) keeps me on track with my calories and overall food consumption. It really does! The battle between this is too hard vs I feel so good when I don't overeat vs why can she have a donut really sucks.

As you hold my hand, will you please remind me that what my body needs is unique to only me and that I can't spend my life comparing myself to others.

Remind me of how far I've come. 
Remind me of the girl that would eat a double cheeseburger while waiting to go in to the gym.
Remind me of the first time I crossed a finish line after a 5k and then nearly threw up because it was so very hard.
Remind me of the little girl this summer who said that she wished her mommy would play with her like I play with my babies.
Remind me of how very, very, very hard it was to only buy clothes in the big girl shops and often not find anything that was big enough. 

One last thing, while you hold my hand, whisper my goals to me over and over again so that I don't lose my focus just because I'm having a bad day...or I'm tired...or I'm celebrating...or I just forget.

A girl can dream!

~Kari

August Running Update

Hey! It's September 1st and I'm doing my monthly running update. I think this is some sort of new record.

Here it goes:

 In August I ran 50.6 miles. None of them were on trails. :( I miss my trail runs. I need to figure out a way to fit them back in, but not until after my 5k on 9/27. I've got some serious goals for that race and trails won't get me there right now. 

My goal for this year was 250 400 miles in 2014. I am currently at 346.9 miles for the year. Wowza! I had a little slide in June/July, but am back up to where I want to be in August. 400 is a VERY attainable goal at this point. Whoop!

What else running related? I have a new foot brace and after a minor bout with a major blister it seems to be working great. My ankle is holding up nicely with only occasionally irritated tendons. 

My Nike's are starting to show signs of wear on the toe area. It's been almost a year since I bought them and they are both my run and bike shoe. It's probably time to start shopping. I'm thinking about switching to a clip-in bike shoe but am awfully scared of falling.....

One more cup of coffee and then I'm off for a run. ;)

~Kari