Food Fits

Big changes are in my near future when it comes to professional stuff. :) Big changes mean having to dress, at times, a little more professional. Truth be told, I do feel amazing when I dress all grown-up like. I hate to even admit that because it taps in to this part of me that is so very uncomfortable with being "pretty" or "looking good". I feel UNCOMFORTABLE with compliments that have anything to do with my appearance. That's for another day...

I went shopping tonight. 
For dress pants.
Shopping for pants sucks! Shopping for fitted "fancy" pants really sucks.
No big shock. I didn't find anything that fit. 

I texted the husband: "Nothing fits. Going to Costco. Food fits".
He wrote back: "Buy some bread".

SHEESH! Such a guy response.

Here's the thing.... I could have gone upstairs to the "plus" section. I could have found a pair of pants to wear. I could have, but I didn't. From about the age of 13 forward I was destined to shop either upstairs or downstairs (depending on the store), but never could I shop on the main floor with the regular girls. When I went shopping with friends I had to just "browse" because I knew nothing in their section would ever fit me.

At some point in this weight loss adventure I started being able to shop on the main floor. I'm not going upstairs. I can't. 

I left the mall in a state of panic.

Candy at Costco. That was what I needed.

Pulled out of the mall and started to turn in to Wendy's to get a Frosty. Except I didn't. I may have uttered some inappropriate language about how this stuff needed to end and how eating a frosty was really dumb. 

I got in the right lane and drove to Costco.

Pulling in to Costco I knew what I needed to do. I needed food for the week. Real food. Food that I would buy, take home, and prep. Food that would fill me up and be quick to prepare and eat. 

I started shopping (yes, I remembered the bread). I got spinach, sugar snap peas, strawberries, trail mix, grapes, baby carrots, cucumbers, chicken breast, chicken strips, chicken in a can (hmmm...that's a lot of chicken), tomatoes, frozen berries, cliff bars, and some smoked salmon.

I came home...

I portioned out veggies for the next 3 days

I boiled eggs

I measured trail mix

Here's the honest truth- I have been eating CRAP and lots of it. I've been not eating enough and then overeating at night. I can't remember the last time I drank enough water. I'm pushing my body physically through exercise and then rewarding it with unhealthy food.

This can't continue.

I can't shop upstairs.

“There are no secrets to success. It is the result of preparation, hard work 

and learning from failure.” Colin Powell

I know what to do. 
Now to do it....

~Kari

Too Hard

Came home from my run today... 

Defeated.

This is too damn hard. 

Period.

Eating "right". Correct portion sizes. Measuring. Having to always think about my food. Not eating my emotions. Planning for success. Drinking water. Eating until I'm full. 

Too hard. 

I tried to look back today and see when I started gaining weight. It was after my first half marathon. That was nearly 2 years ago. For 2 years I have been trying to recover.

I'm tired of being on a recovery mission.

(Full disclosure- I ate a bag of potato chips while writing this!)

You know what else is hard? Trying to maintain my level of fitness in my ever expanding body. It's bad. It's really bad. And YET, it's not so bad that I'm stopping myself. 

Nothing fits. Even my sweats. 

I read old posts. I miss that girl. I miss the one that was so excited about a smaller size or finding a new vegetable to try at the store. 

I've failed. Completely. It sucks.

I hate how I feel. 

I hate how I look in the mirror. 

I hate that my super cute short skirt doesn't fit and it's almost short skirt season.

I'm tired. 

I need to either quit, resign to my fate of always ultimately being the "big girl" or get a serious recharge to get out of this slump.

~Kari

Rest

I'm really good at doing, going, moving, pushing, pursuing, and fixing.

I rock a really long "to-do" list.


I am relentless when I set my mind to something. 

I do "busy" really, really, really well.

I'm a problem solver, goal oriented, task master type of girl.

I don't share this to boast, 

but rather to give some background on why rest is so hard for me.  

I don't do rest.

My coach schedules an extra rest day and I email him to ask if it's a mistake. (True story!)

I plan what work project I will take home to work for Sunday afternoons becuase I know that I'll have free time.

I eat lunch at my computer not because I have to but because it allows me to multitask. 

Two weeks ago the unbelievable happened. Winter vacation started (with really specific direction from my boss to not work over vacation) and my coach gave me a modified schedule that included light workouts and a 5 day (!!!!) rest period. WHATTTTTTT?!?!?!? 

I don't do rest. 

I did what any non-rester would do- I sent work emails (NO ONE replied!!!) and I asked my coach if I could take classes at the gym (He said NO). UGH!!!!

I fought the "rest period" for about a week. Then I caved..... sort of. 

I started cleaning and purging my house. It felt great. I started concentrating on my nutrition again. The extra time was so nice to have. I played games (like actual games that didn't require a computer screen) with my kids. I had coffee and lunch dates with friends.

I was busy, but rested. I feel amazing. 

I need to rest more. I'm not really sure how to do that once work starts up again. I need to set work limits. I stink at that. 

What about you? How do you set limits with work or working out? How do you find balance in such an unbalanced world?

~Kari

4 months = 25 pounds

Four months ago I got a new job. Not really a new job. Same job, new building. Due to the nature of my work, a new building really does equal a new job since my work is all about the people and each individual requires something special. 
I'm not complaining. I love my work. I love the challenge. In my new building I have found a renewed spark that I had lost before. Guess what else I found?! I found 25 pounds. Yep, you read that right. In 4 months I gained 25 pounds. WHAT?! I track my weight on My Fitness Pal and was looking at my weight graph yesterday when I realized this astonishing trend.

I gained weight because I'm unhappy. Right? Nope! Totally wrong. I'm love my job, my staff, the students, everything (uh, almost everything) about my new place!

I'm an emotional eater. I totally own that. What I've never owned, or realized, until yesterday that it's not just that I eat when I'm sad. I also eat when I'm happy or content. My "laziness" in my eating wasn't really lazy, but more of a relaxed, whew, I can breathe sort of eating. I overate out of contentment. I know that sounds odd, but it's true. 

Another reason for my gain was that I no longer had people "watching" what I was eating. In my old job, I was surrounded with people that had seen me go from 356 pounds to 193. They knew my struggle. They knew what/how/when I ate. They knew it ALL! I'm now in a place where no one is watching. Kari had 2 donuts, no big deal. Just because no one is watching doesn't mean that the calories don't count or don't effect how I feel. The games we play in our minds! 

(Totally not telling my new staff to watch me eat all the time. I love not being asked, "Can you eat that?". The answer is Yes, yes I can. Should I? Maybe not.)

I'm back. I've recorded for the past 6 days. I feel healthy and strong. My mind is once again focused on the prize- health and strength. I'm working on a plan for how to attack being back at work and eating healthy (food prep is the key!). I probably won't lose these 25 pounds in just 4 months, but they will come off. I've faced my biggest fear- I gained a significant amount a weight. I will lose it again. The best part of this is that I've learned a little more about myself and how I adjust to a change in environment and how I celebrate with food.
All good stuff!
Change is growth!

A work in progress,
Kari

 

Facing Fears

I weighed myself today for the first time in months. 
The world didn't end. 
I didn't even cry. 
I laughed.
I didn't laugh at the number. I laughed at the fear that that stupid number has had over me for way too long. 

Here's my reality- I've gained 62 pounds from my lightest weight.

Since being at my lightest weight, I've also-
- Completed a 2nd half marathon
- Completed 2 sprint triathlons
- Inspired others in their own weight loss success stories
- Modeled an active lifestyle for my children
- Prioritized fitness to the point that I now get up at 5 AM so that I am sure to fit in my activity

When I lost my weight, I promised myself that I wouldn't be THAT GIRL that gained it all back. I haven't gained it all back, but am well on my way. 
Timehop has been all up in my weight loss business lately. 3 years ago was when I was at my lowest weight and those pictures/status updates have been popping up daily on my phone. I'm actually healthier (in some ways) today that I was in those pictures. I no longer live on diet coke and cheese sticks. My hair isn't falling out. My nails are strong. 

I need to lose some weight. I'm not buying new pants and I am training for a freaking Olympic Triathlon (in 197 days!!!). I've got work to do. 

I'm not sure where my body will "settle" in terms of the scale. At 2 pounds a week, I could feasibly be 56 pounds lighter for the race. WOW! What a difference that would make. I know that my body does not always work in a 2-pounds a week guaranteed. Even if I only lost a pound a week, I'd still be 30 pounds lighter by the race. That would still be very significant. Imagine swimming a mile, biking 26 miles, and running 6 miles with 30 pound weights tied to your ankles. 

I recorded yesterday. Yep, Christmas day. :) Are you on My Fitness Pal? Add me as a friend- weighting_place. 

On a high note- I am still 101.4 pounds lighter than I was 5 years ago. BAM!
The scales is not the end all. If I was eating healthy and a moderate amount of calories and the scale didn't move, that would be a different conversation. The reality is that I haven't been. My body easily gains weight. That's my reality. I'm owning that and moving forward. 

I didn't cry today when I weighed myself. That is HUGE growth from 5 years ago. The scale doesn't scare me. 

Rest day on the docket. The kids and I are headed to the gym to go swimming (really just bobbing under water over and over again to say "hi" to each other). I'm hoping to sneak in to the sauna for a few minutes while they play.

Oh, and I already recorded my breakfast. 

~Kari

A Gift for Me

A few weeks ago I decided to take a week and record my food, once again. It felt amazing. I felt in control. I wasn't starving, but had moments where I was actually hungry (you know, like we are supposed to be). It was a great week. 

The week ended.

Here I am....3 weeks later....still overeating....never hungry....training my tail off and seeing little progress because I am swim/bike/running with a butt-load of extra weight. 

I tried to put on a belt today and my belt doesn't fit. 

I feel uncomfortable in my own skin.

I can tell you exactly why I've gained- I've become lazy with my eating. I'm in a new job (food environment) where it is easy to overeat or not eat all day long. I get a candy bar while grocery shopping. I've turned back to old habits that don't support my goals. 

So, what now?

It's Christmas Eve and I am giving myself a gift! 

I'm giving myself a fresh start.

I'm giving myself permission to own the weight that I've gained and move forward.

I'm giving myself the the time that I need to return to me comfortable weight. 1-2 pounds a week. Over and over and over again.

I have the tools that I need to be successful. I know what and how to eat. 

This time will be a little different. I'm committed to
- not resorting to "diet" or "light" products just to meet a caloric goal
- not consuming fewer that 1800 calories a day
- guesstimating my food to the best of my ability when I'm out instead of avoiding going out for fear of not being able to record/measure my food
- weighing myself once a week (Friday are my weigh-in days)

Starting on Friday Why wait?! Starting tomorrow, Christmas day, I will start recording again. I will record what I can, guesstimate the rest, and move forward. Friday morning I will weigh myself, accept it, and move forward. 

I'm looking for a few people that I can "check-in" with as I get back on track. Knowing that I am telling someone else about my successes helps me to keep going. That's why I love my running coach so much- I rarely skip cause I don't want to tell him that I skipped or quit.

Here we go again.... :)

~Kari



 

Scaling Back- Week 1

Hi friends!
Thank you for all of the encouraging words after my last post. To be honest, I didn't read your comments until today. It hurt too bad. Publishing my last blog and actually "dealing" with it were two very different things. 

Another week has gone by. I'm still spiraling. 

Yesterday I had the crazy idea that I would weigh myself, but not look. I told the husband that he was in charge of tracking my weight. It seemed like a good idea, but then last night I kept waking up and thinking about it. 

I need to regain control of my eating, but I can't use the scale to measure that success.

When did I start to regain? At 192 pounds. 192 pounds. That number haunted me. I could not get past that number. Eventually the constant 192 pound read out on the scale stopped validating my efforts. It would happen again. I would get down to XXX pounds and, once again, lose motivation after the weight loss stopped. 

All night I wrestled with how do I know if what I'm doing is working without the scale telling me. 

I want to wear my jeans to work. I can't. I have a pair of 14s that are MIA and a pair of 12s that go over my hips, would wouldn't button even if I laid on the bed and had a kid sit on my stomach before trying to button them. Ouch! They use to fit comfortably.

So, I start again. I have the tools. I KNOW what to do. What I don't know is how to measure success without the scale. 

Today is Tuesday, so I start on Tuesday. My plan is to make a simple goal for each week and then build on that goal.

Week 1 goal- Record 5 out of 7 days this week while staying is a 1800-2000 calorie range. I know that recording works. I've seen my body change in amazing ways as a direct result of recording. 
Sub-goal- Find my size 14 jeans! I want to try those on weekly to help track how my body is changing. 

When will I be at goal? Never! That's the great and terrifying part. This is a forever process. I'll make progress. I'll slip up and get to start again the next day. I'll wear jeans to work. Drinking water instead of pop will once again become normal. It doesn't end. I don't finish this race....and that's ok. 


~Kari